Diary Entry 27 May 2020

Do you know when no-one understands you, when everything is shit and you keep getting in trouble because your parents think that they understand you, they think that they know what’s going on, but still give out even though they apparently “know what’s going on”! I hate that, and that’s what I’m going through right now. No-one understands me, I get in trouble and my parents claim to understand me. If they would understand me, they wouldn’t give out to me, so it’s nonsense.

At the moment, I am totally hit to the ground. I admit, because of that I am very mean to my family. I admit that I make and made mistakes. I even admit that it’s not easy to be around me. But what I don’t admit is that I am a bad person and am always wrong.

The beginning of my misery was January 2020. From day to day it seems to get worse and from day to day less people seem to understand me. Even my mother who always understood and helped me, doesn’t understand me anymore. I thought I would never be alone. Now I’m sitting here, alone, without anyone by my side, crying, having strong emotional and mental pains and I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t do it anymore. The last ounces of energy are noticeably being pulled out of me and I am done.

My parents told me they are always there for me. In relation to my mother I can’t say disagree; she always tries her best. With my dad, I can. My dad always says he is there for me, he can help me, he understands me, but none of that seems to be true, because he doesn’t show me any of those things.

My dad and I fight a lot currently. I’ll give you an example of what happened today. So, we all sat outside on the new chairs that we got a week ago, in the sun. We only have two days left of school and then we’ve got summer holidays. I think that I will actually miss school (before covid, I never thought that I would ever say that, but now we are doing home-schooling, and that’s what I always wished for). My dream came true, even if the reasoning wasn’t because of something pleasant (Covid-19). Anyway, our plans still stand about going to Germany. I believe for a while now that we won’t be flying, but we will see. My granny (my mom’s mom), who lives in Ireland too, also planned to fly because my aunt will go into delivery with twins any day now. To which my father asked if she is still flying. And I answered with “I don’t know”. He asked “why not?” and I said “no idea, because of the flights or so…” Then he went on to explain that there is nothing wrong with the flights to Germany and Ireland anymore. I only shrugged my shoulders.

After a few minutes, he asked again why Oma is not flying, because it all looks like it could work out. I just wondered why he would ask that again and I wondered why he would ask me, because I had no idea either. He often askes the same questions again and again and I don’t understand why. It usually happens when we fight and he wants an answer to “do you understand”? I already was so angry but tried to keep it down, which didn’t work so well. I only answered him with “I don’t know” in an angry tone. He totally flipped, he screamed at me so loud that the whole town could’ve heard it. He screamed “THAT WAS JUST A NORMAL QUESTION! CAN YOU NOT TALK PROPERLY ANYMORE!?” I just angrily said “yes, but you asked that question a minute ago already and I don’t know either!” He screamed something like “DID YOU NOT LEARN FROM OUR CONVERSATION YESTERDAY AND THE DAY BEFORE?! CAN YOU NOT TREAT US PROPERLY ANYMORE!? DO YOU ALWAYS JUST WANT TO THINK ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR WORLD NOW, JUST LIKE YOUR BROTHER BRYSON!? LEONA, I AM JUST LIKE YOU, YOU CAN TAKE A GOOD EXAMPLE FROM ME. I AM JUST LIKE YOU, BUT I DON’T TREAT PEOPLE THAT WAY!”

*Bryson is one of my two older brothers. Carson is the other. Both of them don’t live with us, they live with their mother. Bryson and dad have had a rocky relationship since many years now and aren’t in contact anymore. Carson comes to visit occasionally, but we all haven’t met up with Bryson in a while.

“Great”, I thought, “thanks”. Again I am being compared, again he doesn’t have himself under control. Again he hurts me and again I feel like I have to cry. But not this time. This time I won’t cry and surrender like a little child. This time I will be stronger. I hoped. That with the crying worked until mom came home from work. I just felt so angry and didn’t want anything anymore. I didn’t care about anyyyyyythiiiiing. Even my life didn’t matter to me for a while.

He asked both of my younger sisters (Amy and Alana) if they understood why I was treating my family this way. I couldn’t believe what I heard. My sister Amy, answered with “no”. That was it for me, the stone was on top of me. I never thought my sister would betray me like that. I was hurt by the question alone. And that he pulled my sisters into it, they didn’t deserve that, especially not through a question he asked because of me. My youngest sister didn’t answer. That was nice, I was totally grateful to her.

I can’t say that I hate my sister. No, I don’t hate her, but I am very hurt. The tears didn’t come, even I was surprised. The entire walk I was forced to go on with them, and even when I had to change my clothes because dad said what I was wearing was too warm for the weather, they didn’t come. Only the anger and the sadness and the hatred surfaced more and more, but without tears. As I went upstairs to change, I thought about pulling the front door open and escaping to mom’s work, but I didn’t do it. I was so close to doing it.

The walk was hell. It was hot, I didn’t smile once, I didn’t laugh once, I didn’t speak once and didn’t look at anyone. I went ahead, alone. I distanced myself from everything. I hated everything. I hate. Haaaaaatttttteeeeee!!!!!! I met a few assholes from my class but didn’t act differently, why should I? They also continuously hurt me! I even thought it would probably be easier to just throw myself in front of the car and die, but my soul was and is too important for me to do that.

Maybe my brother is right. Maybe it is easier if I don’t let anyone get close to me and just hate everyone. I just wish I wouldn’t end up like that. I wish for a lot at the moment and I never know when and if it comes true.
My mom came home and I told her what happened. It seems to only happen when she is working. I am nearly afraid to just wake up in the mornings when she is working, because then something like this always happens, which she realizes herself. When mom is here, I just feel safer.

We’ll see how it continues. I am very hurt anyways and filled with hatred, anger and sadness.
Tomorrow we have a family trip planned. The drive is about 1.5 hours long and we would stay away the whole day. I’ll probably stay with granny and grandad, because I don’t want to ruin it for the others. Mom said she won’t force me to come, but it is a family trip, and this is just how I’d increasingly distance myself from them.

I can’t express to her how sorry I am and that I don’t want to distance myself, but no-one understands me and dad will probably just give out to me anyway and I’ll just ruin everything. I would like join, but I think it makes no sense if we don’t get along as a family anyway at the moment.

Under all this pain, still lies the love in me, to myself and my family. I wish I could find it and feel it again… I will have to work on myself a lot. But I know I can do it, because I am a fighter, I never give up and haven’t given up. No-one can pull me down! NO-ONE CAN PULL ME DOWN!

We’ll see what happens tomorrow and in the following days.
Thanks for reading!

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