Diary Entry 3 June 2020
Is it bad to have no friends? Am I a bad person when I always reply with “no” to people who ask if we can meet up? Will I never want to meet up with people again if I constantly say that I am busy, even though I am not? If I shut myself out and protect myself from people right now, will it always be like that? Will I never want to meet people again and will I always shut myself out?
My answer to that is totally clear: No, of course I won’t always seal myself off from people. Of course I will want to meet up with people again one day. It is not bad to have no friends, you may feel lonely, but you know you are not alone. I am not a bad person when I tell people “no” and I don’t meet up with them,- I am just protecting myself and that is my right. I don’t know if I will meet up with people again when I move away from here, because here I lock myself away and protect myself from people.
I thought one could learn and reach everything. I am only fourteen and have gone through very hard times and had to learn much and work on myself a lot. Once I started, it went quite fast, but the older one gets, the harder it is to work on oneself.
I live in Ireland, have no friends and go to school with a class where no-one suits me, where the majority hates me (because they are bullies), finds me disgusting or is jealous of me. No-one is fitting for me, because they are all so different than I am. Because I don’t let them get close to me and I protect myself from them. Why does no-one understand that? Why does no-one understand that I don’t want to be friends with assholes? Why does no-one understand that I don’t seal myself off on purpose, – but because I have to? Or else I would emotionally be torn from inside out, from people who use me, who find me disgusting, who bully me, who think they’re something better than me and who freaken hurt me.
There is not a single reason for me to meet up with those people. Even if they are different privately than in school, I have seen what they can be like and I will never meet up with them. Why should I? It’s like purposely throwing myself onto the shooting range. As if I would give myself up and stand there freely to be the target. No, I won’t do that to myself.
I know I can also learn from it (if I would meet them), and that there is a plaster for every wound. But when I have the choice, then I choose what is best for me in that moment, – and right now, it is not to meet up with those people. If I didn’t have the choice, and for example, would live beside one of them, I would deal and cope with that and learn from it, – because I wouldn’t have a choice. Well here, I do have a choice, and here I decide to keep clear of those people and seal myself off. That is my choice. If it’s the wrong one, I will also learn from it. And because I have made that decision, it was meant to be, and it was the right one, because maybe later in life, I will be able to make something of it! I accept and stand by my decision, so why would someone else not understand, or stand by, that? Because they are afraid for me.
If I would know I could meet my two friends from Germany tomorrow (after 4 years), I wouldn’t say ‘no’, because I know these people suit me. That they accept me the way I am, make me feel comfortable, and are good – the best – friends. Whom I love and don’t want to let go, even after all these years. Those are the people I want to call my friends, and I can be proud of that. Those are the people with whom I can talk about everything, even when we have different opinions, we totally accept it. Those are the people I am excited about and have a good feeling about meeting up with them. Those are people like me, those are people who will always be and stay in my heart.
I know I could go there tomorrow (to meet up with the people who asked me), I know they might be different than in school, I know I might be able to build a friendship and most of all I know I could learn and experience new things. But my choice is made, no matter how they are privately, they are not the right one’s for me. I don’t want to be friends, or meet up, with them. I can also learn from this decision and I stand by it and think that it is the right one for me.
Everyone is allowed to make decisions. None are right or wrong, because the way you decide is the way you were meant to decide. Stand by your decision, don’t doubt it and don’t let anyone tell you differently, except if you want them to.
Remember, that you can learn from EVERY situation. And remember that you are never alone – ever!
Every decision leads to a path, which one do YOU want to choose?
Thank you for reading, until then!
