Diary Entry 17 June 2020
We all talked about the house the whole day and already decided on which rooms were going to be what. We all hoped we would get it and already made loads of plans. I never saw my parents in a mood like this before, as though they were kids who were excited about us finally moving into a big house with a big garden. We all felt as though we were going to get it. Even I had a strange feeling, as if something connected us with the house, only that I couldn’t quite imagine me waking up in my room there and spending the day in that house. Besides all of that, I trusted God, I told him he should only give us the house, when it’s better for us than this one.
Dad was totally excited and couldn’t wait for the phone call. He asked me every morning: “And? Are we getting the house?” but on the day of the phone call I wasn’t so sure anymore and just shrugged when he asked me.
Yeah, yesterday evening we were expecting a phone call from the landlady, so we could discuss more about the rent, but no, it was just an e-mail. Dad read through it and didn’t tell us about it, for 15 minutes. We were all in our rooms and mom was downstairs in the livingroom with Akela. After a few minutes dad told mom about the e-mail and said he can’t tell us, because he can’t bear to see how sad we would be. It already felt like it was our house from the day we looked at it. We already always said “my room” or “our house” to it, when we talked about it. We were all convinced we would get it, as the landlady really seemed to like us.
When mom came into my room, she asked me: “Did you hear what I told Alana?” I was already getting nervous, but I didn’t know why, I thought she was going to tell me about the plans for tomorrow, but somehow there was something different in her eyes, as if she was dreading to tell me something.
She talked quite easily and calmly: “So… we are not getting the house, but I already told Alana that this one is obviously better for us then, and meant for us. And this one is quite nice as well.” I thought if I’d receive this message, I was going to start crying, but I didn’t even feel like I had to cry, as if I already knew these news. I only said: “yeah”. That which I felt was disappointment. It was as if my stomach fell down. Do you know when you are driving fast in a car and you drive over a bump and you feel like you are flying for a short second, and once you sink back to the ground, your stomach feels like its falling down? I had that feeling when I heard the words come out of mom’s mouth. Mom asked if everything was ok and I nodded. I didn’t really expect this outcome, because I also truly believed we were going to get the house, and even I was surprised at my reaction, because I barely had one. I just sat still and fiddled with the colour which I last used on my paint-by-number picture.
She asked me again if everything was ok when she got up and I nodded, as if I couldn’t talk, I even came across dumb to myself. It was as if I was two people at once, the one, that didn’t expect we weren’t getting the house, the one that had hoped and was now shocked. And the other one, that wasn’t sad or shocked at all, the one that knew we weren’t getting the house and wasn’t disappointed. It was a mixture, really weird and that confused me more than the fact that we weren’t getting the house.
When mom left the room, I continued painting and the feeling of disappointment was still with me. It felt like tears were surfacing, but before I let it happen, like a lightening stroke, the thought popped up in me that God knows best. The thought that I trusted God and he would’ve only given us the house if it were better for us. Obviously God knew the house wasn’t better for us right now and that’s why I accepted it, without thinking much about it, – basically automatically.
I shook my body and the feeling fell off of me, and I continued painting. After a while, I went downstairs. Mom said that Amy had tears in her eyes and was disappointed. Dad was very disappointed and wanted to know why the woman didn’t give us another chance to negotiate. Everyone knew that God knows best and we all trusted in that, but mom, Alana and I were able to accept this much quicker. Dad and Amy were still disappointed, even today. Dad told me he decided to only be disappointed until half five tonight, which would be 24 hours after the e-mail, and he was allowing himself to feel this way until then, but that’s when it’s enough.
We all thought it was very weird how we had such a strong feeling, as if the house already belonged to us and as though we were definitely going to move into it. We never felt that way with any other house, only with this one. Dad mentioned he felt like we didn’t belong to this house anymore and I explained that I felt like we were already in the middle of moving. We all believe it’s not over yet, as it doesn’t feel finished. The woman never said why we didn’t get it, but she assured us we would stay in contact.
That’s it with this diary entry.
If I learned something, then it’s this: To trust God. I told him he should only give us the house when it is better for us. He knew best, maybe something would’ve happened to us in the other house and he knew this house was better for us for now.
Trust God with the things you can’t trust yourself with.
Thank you for reading, until then!
