Diary Entry 18 June 2020
In the past, when I was about nine, ten or eleven, I suddenly felt an uncomfortable feeling. Usually I got that feeling when I wore shorts, or a tight top and was around other people.
The uncomfortable feeling always hit me like a shock, which only lasted for a few seconds, but still hit me. It went through my whole body, and it always gave me the feeling as though I should hide and shouldn’t show my body-figure and should wear loose clothing.
I can give you an example, a few years ago, in summer, the whole family was invited over for a barbeque at my aunts and uncles. Of course – because it was summer – I wore short pants and a tighter top. I played like usual with the other younger children and knelt down to them, then, like lightning, the thought came: “Oh no, maybe you can see my butt too much, I should probably stand up so no-one can see it that obvious.” The feeling hit me: “Oh no, I should hide, everyone is looking at me” and I felt totally uncomfortable in my own skin, all I wanted was to become invisible, so that no-one could see my naked skin. After a few seconds, I looked at the stupidity of it and shook the feeling off, because I didn’t want to continue feeling this way.
Nowadays I don’t have that ‘lightning-moment’ anymore. Back then, it went away again pretty fast, but nowadays it’s different. The feeling is a little different and I have it for longer periods of time.
When a girl in school told me she was in love with me (last October), I thought about it more and more and therefore made the feeling grow stronger and stronger. Thank God, we’ve got summer holidays now, and before that, there was no school because of Covid. When I had the same classes as her, I was always nervous, never looked at her, didn’t talk to her and was always scared that I would fall in love with her. From day to day the feeling got worse, because I worried about it more and more. I was so scared that I would fall in love with her, because I wanted a husband and kids, I wanted ‘normal’ sex (the way I had always seen it) and to kiss a man.
I wished I didn’t have to sit beside her or be in the same group as her. When she was out of school for a day, I was so relieved. Just because I was scared to become a lesbian. I was never against lesbians, but because there are no boys here that I like, it was hard for me to tell if I was in love with boys or girls. At the age of 11 I had a boyfriend, but that wasn’t enough proof to me, as it was so long ago. Since she told me she was in love with me, I can’t watch movies where lesbians are shown, can’t talk about it, because when I talk about it, this girl comes into my head, as if she is the only one in the world that I could fall in love with. I blamed her in my mind, for making me feel this horrendous, negative, uncomfortable feeling, and for confusing me so much that I still don’t know if I am a lesbian or still like boys.
Mom always told me I should give myself some time and when I fall in love, then I will know what my sexuality is. But here is no boy or girl that I would go out with. I guess I’ll have to wait a while then, until I move, to find out whether I like boys or girls. I became more scared every day, I didn’t want to become a lesbian.
Mom and I concluded that I only felt this uncomfortable towards the girl (Evelyn) because I was scared to become a lesbian. I always made myself stress so much, told myself; I am not allowed to find her pretty, not allowed to like her handwriting, not allowed to look at her, not allowed to speak to her, or else I could fall in love with her. This stress released many thoughts into my brain, the thoughts scared me and this fear forbid me from thinking the way I normally/naturally do. This fear forbid me from finding her pretty, liking her writing and so on. And this lead to the fact that I wasn’t myself nor recognized myself anymore and didn’t feel like myself. I was always so nervous in classes with her, started sweating, couldn’t think clearly, and which thought came to me straight away? “Oh no, am I in love with her now?” ‘No, of course not’, is the answer, because how could I be in love with her, when everything that I have just written, happens to me when I think of her/ am near her.
Because of Covid, thank God, I could calm down from all of this. When I think about it, I get nervous and I am nearly dreading and scared to go back to school. That tells me, I should learn something from it. I wanted to start learning from this months ago, but I didn’t. It still isn’t clear what sexuality I have and I still don’t know what really being in love feels like. But before she told me, it was clear to me that I will have a husband and kids later on in life, so that’s the way it will be. Because I never had feelings towards her, I only once noticed she may have feelings for me, but didn’t know that she was in love with me. And for me it didn’t feel like a possibility to fall in love with her, because I wanted a husband and kids and so on.
My WhatsApp best friend and I attended the same school when we lived in Germany. Because he still lives there, I never see him and am currently not in contact with him a lot, but usually we text often. He somehow became very important to me and I would like to meet him during the holidays, but he hasn’t fully answered me on that yet. Anyway, I asked God one night before bed: “If I dream of him tonight…” and I have never dreamt of him before “…then we will date sometime in the future.” Guess what – I dreamt of him. I also wanted to find an answer on this, because I wanted to know if I am a lesbian or like boys. It was a small relief for a while.
A few weeks ago, me and my sisters went for a walk with dad and he asked me if he gets too angry too fast sometimes and exaggerates. I just said “I don’t know”, because I thought you shouldn’t ask a child this question, I am not sure why, but since that moment, I again had that uncomfortable feeling from the past in me. And was scared the whole time that he would look at my butt or breasts. I hid my breasts, by pulling my jacket in front of them, but I couldn’t hide my butt and that was so terrifying for me in that moment. I felt such a heavy uncomfortable feeling and was scared that he may be treating me like his wife, and therefore was scared that he loved me as if I were his wife. That’s how my thoughts went on and on. I cried in my room when we came back, and couldn’t wait for mom to come home from work. I felt the same feeling towards dad, which I had towards that girl, because of the same problematic thoughts. I only told mom this the next day and it was so embarrassing to me, that I cried out of shame. It was always so clear to me you couldn’t fall in love with a family member, but this feeling was still in me anyway, which got worse and worse.
We explained it to dad, and he was understanding at first, but for me, it continued on for weeks, – I didn’t look into his eyes properly, got nervous around him and couldn’t answer him properly. The first few days he didn’t mention anything about it, but then he concluded I wasn’t being respectful towards him anymore. He probably thought it would get better after a few days and therefore he reacted like this. In his opinion, I was becoming more disrespectful and he gave out to me and didn’t really understand my problem. Or he understood it, but still said I could be more respectful. The problem was, I couldn’t. He didn’t understand why I was only being like this to him, but it was because I had this uncomfortable feeling towards him. I did feel sorry for him, because I didn’t want to be like this, but I couldn’t do it differently. For days and weeks, it continued this way and we fought more and more. Until a few days ago, when we started to get along again, which I wrote into this diary too. I can answer him normally again and don’t get nervous anymore, but the thing with looking at him will take another while, but it is much better already.
I think I also got that feeling towards dad because I asked God to give me a sign if I am in love with men or women. Maybe he wanted to show me by this, that I can feel uncomfortable towards all people, even my dad and not just the girl. So I do like boys (cause I was thinking that maybe I am in love with the girl, because she was the only one I felt uncomfortable towards, but now that I feel the same way towards dad, it could mean I do like boys).
Two days ago I got that uncomfortable feeling towards my sister Amy. We did our exercises normally, like every evening, just that my sister Alana didn’t participate. I already thought at the start: “It is really weird exercising without Alana”, because she usually participates, just not that evening. Nevertheless, we still worked out. I was scared when Amy took a pause, that she would look at me and then I got the uncomfortable/ unwell feeling. I said “no” to it and went up against it and continued my exercises normally, but I was still scared she was looking at me.
Afterwards she washed herself in the bathroom and I went for a shower at the same time. I fought against that feeling. I explained it to mom the same evening. The day after, the feeling was still there, but I didn’t think about it a lot. While eating, I looked into her eyes like normal, and it was all fine. Today I noticed how I consciously didn’t do certain things with my siblings, because I was scared the feeling would get stronger. When exercising, I was a bit nervous, but kept going. Mom and Amy came into my room just now and told me I should feel Amy’s hand because it was so soft, but I said “no” because I felt uncomfortable doing so. While the others were watching a movie, I continued my paint-by-numbers painting in my room. I went downstairs later on. Akela was lying on the couch with them, so I cuddled with her. When Amy’s hand touched mine, because we were both stroking Akela, I automatically pulled away. I couldn’t fully look into her eyes and it tormented me inside. I don’t want to also have this feeling towards Amy, she doesn’t deserve that. I tried to continue as normal and after the movie I went upstairs to write this. I would love if this feeling would go away in relation to all people I feel it towards and I could be normal with them again – forever.
I don’t want to do this to my sister, as she doesn’t deserve it, wouldn’t understand why and couldn’t handle it. I don’t want to be like this and don’t want this feeling towards anyone.
Right now, in this very second the thought came into my head: “I had that feeling towards dad and Amy now, what if that is a sign that I am in love with the girl at school.” Do you see how my brain wants to trick me and give me more worries, sorrows and thoughts that are 99% negative?
Don’t let your thoughts, your ego, do that to you. I suffer from it, and I need to learn from it. Because the thought is nonsense, and I should let it go again.
Thank you for reading, until the next time!
