Diary Entry 2 July 2020
I have three choices, either I do home-schooling, I go to school ‘full time’ or I just do the main subjects.
Today I was offered these three choices. We went through the positive and negative side of home-schooling. The negative would be that I might get less points on my final results, as I won’t be doing the practical work. I would have to teach myself a lot and for the Leaving Cert it’s very difficult, even mom and dad didn’t know how that should work. It would be like this: I’d have to do the Junior and Leaving Cert exams in the school, but all the rest I could do from home. Apart from everything, it would be great for me mentally. But I still had a weird feeling the whole time, as if there was no use to talk about any of this, because “it won’t end up being like this anyway”. And the more we talked about it, the less I wanted it.
An idea was constantly floating through my head; I could just go to school for the main subjects. I had the feeling this was how it was going to end up and should be, and it seemed like the best solution. At least that’s what I thought, because then I’d have the opportunity to learn for my soul and gather experiences in which I learn how to be strong and deal with people like these. And then I would also have free periods, where I could just sit somewhere quietly, meditate and could stabilize myself for the next class. I had this idea right at the start of the conversation, but I somehow never mentioned it, because it wouldn’t come out.
Mom and dad went on to the next option. Somehow it was too much for me, as I kept thinking: “We are talking too much” or “it’s no use, because it won’t be like that anyway.” But the second option was: to go back to school fully. The principal would keep an eye on me and so on… Somehow I only half remember this option – obviously not so important, and by the way, in my opinion, it’s not an option for me to go back to school fully.
The third option. I somehow got excited and wanted mom to finally say it. In my head I kept thinking: “Only half go to school. Only half go to school.” Mom said it aloud: “Or you just go to school for the main subjects.” I could totally feel how my body relaxed again, and I was finally able to say: “Yeah, that’s what it will be.” Dad said: “But, for that, you would have to be interviewed by some people (from ‘Cahms’) who will write something about you, – like, how you feel, what effects those feelings have on you, and what changes you think could be made so attending school gets easier for you. These people would send it to your principals and then they’re legally allowed to make schooling easier for you, so that you can only do the main subjects and don’t have to participate in various things like group work or so.”
We talked a little further and then dad asked me if he should make an appointment with that person in ‘Cahms’. I’ll probably need to do it regardless, even if I do home-schooling first and then decide to go back to school, at least I would never have to go back full-time once I have this note. I said: “Not yet” and mom and dad explained how I don’t have to go there straight away, because we can reschedule, but they just don’t know how long it will take to get an appointment. I said: “Yeah. Even before you told me the last option, I also had that idea. I don’t want to do home-schooling or go back to school. I want to do half-half because then I can learn better. I can learn how to deal with those people in school and I can gather experiences. When I have those free periods, I can build up strength and relax.”
Mom expressed how brave I am for even daring to go back to school, and how amazed she was of me, to choose to go back through hell. She also said that she wasn’t sure if home-schooling was a good option. Apart from that, they both still assured me they are letting me decide and will stand by me and help me as well as they can.
At some point, we ended the conversation, we didn’t finalize anything and left all cards on the table. A few hours later, mom and I watched a movie, like we do every evening. Suddenly, a fear hit me. It wasn’t just any fear, it was the one I usually felt during and after school. I told mom “I got that fear again”, and she hugged me and asked me: “Can you describe it somehow?” No, I couldn’t, my whole body shivered, you could see how my legs were shaking. I started to sweat, had that pulsing pain in my stomach and heart again. I just started bawling. And I mean: bawling. Everything came out, I threw my head against mom’s chest and cried really, really loudly. The pain released an earthquake in my body and the pain is always so bad that I just have to cry. In school, I keep it suppressed, and therefore it’s no surprise why I often cry in the evenings, or when I get some distance from school and really notice what I had to go through and what happened to me. I cried and cried, I couldn’t stop, it had to come out, and mom allowed it, the same way I allowed myself. This pain, this pretending that I have and had to do, to be protected. The amount of energy that I consumed and burnt up in there. The strength that I need and needed. How it really made me feel, and what the situations really set off in me, – I only noticed it all now, because at home, I don’t have to be different, I don’t have to protect myself and that’s why I’m only becoming aware now of what was really done to me.
I always noticed what was happening to me, but somehow, I didn’t have time to process it, it was so much at once, that I basically became numb, and now that I have my distance from school, I really see the way I was and what was going on with me. I see how people like me have to build up a shield around themselves that they can’t even see or feel themselves anymore. It is horrible. It is just horrible.
Mom squeezed me very tightly and said: “It’s ok, it’s ok, you can do it!” Dad came in, gave me a tissue straight away and asked what was going on. But I continued to cry, not just because of the pain but also because of something else.
Dad got a phone call from my brother Carson, which he had to answer, because Carson was at ‘Cahms’ before – where I will also be going – and dad wanted to ask him how things work there.
I calmed down a little and mom asked if I wanted to say something. I explained how horrible it is to see how I was doing, and what happened to me and that I only noticed it now. I said that I’m not just crying because of that but also because of the twins in my class. The twins are some of the worst in my class. “They are just so horrible”, I said “that I pretended they were Cole and Melody”, Cole and Melody are my cousins “I pretended that Cole and Melody were just dressing up, like a roleplay in which I could learn something for my soul.” “Did that make you feel better?” she asked. “Yeah, I just waited and longed for the day where they lift their masks and jump into my arms.” “That is beautiful Leona, and if this helps you, then it is a tiny bit better already.” I nodded. I think it’s so terrible I had to imagine that, in order to feel a bit better. When they did something bad, I always told myself they have to do it, because it is Melody and Cole doing a roleplay. How nice would it be to have Cole and Melody in school with me.
I got two big signs today, that we/ I am doing something right. I clicked on two YouTube videos, went through the first comment on both videos. On the first video, the first comment was: “To the person who reads this, I am proud of you.” That was already a very big and suitable hint. The second comment, from the other video was: “To the person who reads this: you are pretty, great and no-one can take that from you.” I usually never see such comments and the fact that I saw two on the same day, exactly when I needed comments like these, I believe the angels want to tell me something. The angels are ready to learn something new and gather new experiences, they are just waiting for me.
In spite of EVERYTHING, I didn’t give up. In spite of EVERYTHING, mom and I will start to work on my fear now, do more meditation instead of watching a movie at night. Mom and dad are booking an appointment and mom and dad are still there for me. After those thousands of conversations I held with them so I could feel a bit better, after all those tears that I cried, after all the anger I let out on them, after my dark, depressive, painful days, after my fears, after my laughs, my jokes and my silliness, after I broke down and got up again, mom and dad are still there!
I can’t express how grateful I am for you and how much I love you, but I can tell you that I won’t give up!
You are the best parents one can wish for. I love you, and thank you for my life!
Hopefully you’re there for my next diary entry! I thank you with my whole heart for reading and wish for you to have the strength you need to achieve everything you hope for! Until the next time, Leona!
