Diary Entry 23 July 2020
When we go on holidays, I want to do as much as possible and preferably spend the entire time with my cousins. I think I’m currently behaving quite stubborn, because it’s not like that. I don’t sleepover and spend the entire day with them. I told mom I want to get away from this family during the holidays, and then an argument started because she supposed it wouldn’t work anyway, as everyone has their own plans. And she questioned me unsympathetically on why I didn’t stay at Mila’s house the whole week then, when I “supposedly” don’t want to be with this family. I wanted to spend more time with Cole and Melody though, because I miss them in Ireland the most, so much that my heart aches. “Spending the entire holiday just with them is nonsense”, she persisted. She just couldn’t see how important and nice it is for me, and just called it ‘nonsense’. I got so, so angry. Of course it’s not nonsense. I love them, see them so seldom, I really long for them in Ireland and apart from that, she doesn’t know how much it hurts me when someone talks badly about something I love. “How can you just say that, how can you call something that I love and long for ‘nonsense’”, I thought and stormed off. I was so hurt by that. She doesn’t know how much pain I feel in Ireland when I can’t see them.
It was clear to me that I just wanted to get away. Tears rolled down my cheek as I stormed off from the hut and pulled away my arm when dad held it back to stop me and asked what was going on.
I searched for a place where I could hide. I had an idea, but then I saw an entrance to the forest, which I’d never seen before and I turned in. I walked about thirty meters into the forest and stood behind a tree. I stood there for a few minutes and cried nonstop. I hoped to see something like my protector angel who would tell me what to do. I walked a few meters to the right, then to the left. After about 20 minutes, I sat on a tree stump. I sang ‘Little Things’ and ‘If I Could Fly’ by One Direction. A few tears dropped down my face again.
I was in the forest for about 40 minutes already and the negative voice inside me kept saying: “My family won’t look for me anyway.” But there and then, I heard something. I didn’t turn around to see who it was. I knew it was mom. “Just one minute longer and I would’ve called the police”, she said full of anger and fear, standing at the entrance. “You really scared the four people that love you. You can’t do that to your sisters, your parents don’t matter to you, but your sisters! You will walk home right now! I’ll look for Amy and Alana! If you don’t go home, I’ll look for you again and I will find you! Your father probably is in the next car crash because of you!” she said hectically, full of anger and sadness as she went on her way to look for the rest of the family. I knew she was actually the one who was scared, not my sisters.
Arrived at home, I didn’t say a word, but grabbed my pyjamas and wanted to shower. I heard how my father parked the car and how my mom brought the bike into the garage. Dad came straight to me and asked right away: “Where were you the whole time?” I didn’t answer him the first time he asked and neither did I the second time. I couldn’t. “Were you around here?” I nodded. “But I searched the whole time. I walked, ran and drove with the car, but I didn’t find you.” He hugged me again. “Yeah, go for a shower, that helps.”
When I was finished showering, mom and dad were gone for a walk. I sat outside in the sun and thought about if mom was going to talk to me when they got back. I didn’t know how I should apologize. Nothing would’ve been enough. I got out my MP3 Player and listened to Byron Katie, so I could meditate. When they came back, I just continued listening. Mom came to me and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with them. I was wondering why she was speaking in a normal and kind tone to me, but I agreed.
The film was actually quite nice, it’s called: ‘Little Darlings’. Amy and Alana left the room before the movie had finished. I took the packet of nuts off the bedside table, to clean away. In that moment, mom grabbed my arm: “Leona, I love you, you scared me today.” I looked into her eyes and they were flooded with tears. I looked down onto the bed again and nodded. I felt how hurt she was and how much we actually loved each other. I slowly moved off the bed and opened the door. I stopped, looked back and saw how her tears were dropping down her cheek: “Mom”, she looked up, “I love you too.” “I know”, she said crying. I went out and had to cry right away. I noticed how much I love her and how grateful I am to have her. Even though we fought, even though I am not nice, even though I want to get away from her sometimes and even though I scared her so much, we still love each other and will always love each other.
I didn’t understand today why mom and dad were so nice to me when I came home, but the answer is; we love each other. And positivity/positive feelings are always more powerful than negativity/negative feelings. I love them and they love me – forever and ever.
Thank you so much for reading you lovely people, until the next time, Leona!
I have to say, overall, the holiday was WONDERFUL! We went shopping very often and got everything we wanted. We celebrated my 4 year old cousins, Jan’s, birthday. We slept at Cole and Melody’s house every second or third day. We visited our 95 year old great-grandfather and he is still really healthy, fit and happy. We met the new-born twins, Louis and Mika. We ate ice-creams, went to ‘Sauerland’, where my great-grandmother used to live (she died last year) and enjoyed our daytrip there. I saw my best friend/ pen-pal Mila again, whom I didn’t see for two years. We met in school when I lived in Germany and when my family and I moved back to Ireland, we became pen-pals. I also met up with another different friend whom Mila and I went to school with, whom I haven’t seen or spoken to in 4 years – that was very nice! We had a barbeque with the family, went for a swim in the pool in my aunt’s backyard, and went on a trip to a castle together and afterwards, we slept at our aunt’s (Julia’s) and uncle’s (Noel’s) house, whose son turned four.
My aunt Julia is a very positive, outgoing, pretty and really, really lovely aunt. You can talk to her about anything and she is always there for you. She is a teacher and her hobby is singing. Last year I lived with them for three weeks during the summer holidays. She supports me and I have been texting a lot with her since we came back from Germany, about school. She didn’t have an easy time in school either and is trying to help me. Julia sent me a song, which she sang herself and perfectly suits my situation. Every time I forget who I am or when I feel bad, she said I should listen to the song and remind myself. It is called ‘True Colours’. I totally cried when she sent it to me, I love her and I thank her so much.
Melody who is 13, grew into such a friendly and pretty young woman. We got along so unbelievably well during this holiday. We talked about a lot, had lots of fun together, laughed and loved to be together. We became super close this time around, and something like this can’t be torn apart easily. We are still in a lot of contact, as we miss each other very, very much. Apart from that, Melody hasn’t got an easy school life either, whereby I can understand her just too well. I try to help with that and try to be there for her, because when we have each other, we have everything we need, and that is the most important thing. I love my family so much! 🙂
