Diary Entry 6 Sep 2020
It’s Sunday. The first week of school is over and the second one starts tomorrow. I was so ready to go to school last week. I was almost happy to take this challenge on to overcome my fear and realise I’m able to do this. I worked on myself so much, especially in the last few weeks and I felt that I was much, much stronger. I knew I was being protected. I knew who was standing by my side, believes in me and is always there for me. Julia sang a song for me, which suits my situation perfectly and gave me so much courage. I was strong and ready to go to school.
I was a bit nervous in the morning and got a bit afraid, but long not as bad as before. When I walked into school, with the Jesus-cross necklace from dad around my neck, I felt how much I grew, how strong I had become and how different my perspective was towards school and everything included. I felt so strong. And I was strong.
In between I thought I wouldn’t be able for it, but when I thought about the Jesus necklace, I felt how a magical wave of energy flushed through my body, and right then I knew I was capable. At break time I listened to Julia’s song, and it increased my strength. Day after day I went into school, without thinking much about what could happen and what had happened. I gave every day a new chance and enjoyed every day anew. At home, I only concentrated on being home. I enjoyed every moment and every second I spent with my family. When I got homework, I was happy, because I could do them at home, where I wanted to be. I took in every second and grew stronger.
In school I was mostly afraid of meeting the girl who told me she was in love with me months ago, and of being asked questions by the teachers in front of class. The second one cleared up fast, because that was one topic we talked about with the principals: the teachers should only ask me something when I put up my hand, and on the third day of school, the vice principal assured me she informed the teachers about it.
In the mornings I could enjoy my time at home more and I could even smile. On Wednesdays I could go home at 1:15pm because the last three classes were Irish and P.E. and I don’t do them anymore. I was very happy about that. I could really feel how much more positive my thoughts were, due to Byron Katie’s CD’s. I was really happy on Friday about the coming weekend and proud that I managed the first week. During the week, I saw everything in a different light and was much happier, lived more in the present moment and was more positive.
Today was quite a nice day. I got to know Isla. She is exactly one week old and is the daughter of my mother’s best friend. I tried to think as little as possible about tomorrow and I was actually able to do it quite well.
At around 6pm, I watched the newest video of YouTubers that I follow. They posted the birth video of their son and usually I’m able to bear birth videos quite well, but with this one, before I even started it, I felt like I shouldn’t watch it. But I stupidly still watched it. I was just about able to bear it, until she started pressing and screamed so loud as though her whole body was being cut open by a knife. In the other birth videos, they never screamed, but she screamed so loud, and about 5 midwifes were around and above her. I somehow got extremely scared and turned it off right away. I decided to never have kids. I didn’t want to tell mom because she wouldn’t have helped, she would’ve just said I shouldn’t watch those things if they scare me, and that would’ve made things worse for me. I asked her harmless questions, for example about the contractions and I decided a C-section is better, but she was against that and assured me I’ll be able to manage it all, without pain killers and just a natural birth. But my imagination made it seem impossible.
Somehow it scared me to such an extent, that everything came back. All the fears I had experienced in the past week, and I got so scared that I had to start crying. Mom asked what was going on, why I cried and what I was afraid of. I would’ve loved to say: “The birth video really scared me, I got really scared in science because we are learning about the menstrual cycle and the teacher told us really terrible stories that were extremely scary to me. I am scared of this one girl, because I am scared of becoming a lesbian. I am scared of not being able to remember what I learn in school and that my grades will tank. I am scared of the German class, because of the girl, the other students and the teacher, due to her often asking me questions in front of the entire class. I am extremely afraid and kept trying to resist it this whole week, to enjoy my time and not let the fear win. But if I don’t immediately work on it when the fear arises- the way it happened in school- then it will arise again the next time or like now, when everything is bottled up and just explodes.” But I didn’t say that. It didn’t come out. All that came out was: “I am really scared.” What mom told me didn’t really help. She said it’s good to push away the fear and that I should calm down. She kept asking what I was afraid of, but I didn’t want to and couldn’t say it. I coincidentally heard a song today where someone sang something similar to: “I want you to understand me without me having to explain what’s going on”, and this is exactly what would’ve helped so much in that moment, but somehow mom’s words didn’t help. When I wanted to start writing this diary entry, mom suggested for us to sit down together everyday after school for a few minutes, to talk about the fear I felt that day, the situation I found myself in, and then work on it. I didn’t exactly know what I should say, but maybe it’ll help.
I will manage to go to school again. I know who is guiding me and by my side, I know I am protected, I can always listen to Julia’s song, I’ll continue doing meditations, continue listening to Byron Katie, and I know that in my soul I am not afraid and I am strong. I will manage it. Apart from that, it doesn’t mean that if I change my mind, and do start home-schooling, that I wasn’t able to manage it. It means I managed to free myself from school, I’ve managed to make the choice of doing home-schooling and I’ve managed to be strong enough to let go of school and try something new and unknown.
I wish you loads of happiness and hope you’re there for my next diary entry. Thank you so much for reading. Until the next time! Leona.
