Diary Entry 2 November 2020
I had another breakdown two days ago. Whenever I hear about something and I think about it a lot, and it takes up all my focus for long; all my energy gets taken away. And it is normally always due to something negative.
I feel so lonely and find my situation unfair. During the holidays I had to study the entire time now, so I basically had no time to recover. When mom is working, dad often seems to be under stress, as he is not very friendly and nice in between, and I keep having to feel that. Alana asked mom two days ago if she can publish her TikTok’s. I didn’t like that at all and I had a really bad feeling in my body when I heard it, because Amy and Alana often want to be like other people, apart from that, they don’t know how dangerous it can be and just think it’s “fun”, the same as mom. At first I couldn’t talk to anyone about this, because I thought no-one understands me anyway. I just locked myself in my room then. (For this period of time we stayed in granny and granddad house for Halloween, because they are in Germany.) After a while I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to do my workouts to shake off the energy. But I still didn’t feel good afterwards.
Then, I joined mom and dad at the fireplace and after a while it just burst out of me and I spoke about this topic. Dad said he didn’t know anything about it and mom supposed Amy and Alana would only do funny things. I continued discussing and then dad made it totally clear I don’t have anything to say about it anyway and no-one asked for my opinion. I just said: “Of course, like always” and when I walked away angrily, with tears in my eyes, I just heard how mom told dad that I am of course allowed to share my opinion, but I shouldn’t get involved. This was enough for me. Dad was simply shit and of course didn’t help me. I was so angry. I would’ve loved to throw something until it broke, but there was nothing I could’ve used. Instead, I threw my science book across the room. I had such a strong feeling in me, which I could barely handle, I had to do something, I wanted to leave, I wanted to scream, I wanted to break something, but no, I couldn’t. I could only listen to super loud music because the other things weren’t available. Ahhhhhh. I cried and cried. After a longer while, I got ready for bed and angrily asked mom if she could maybe properly say ‘good night’ to me, because we just passed by one another. She replied very neutrally, saying she wanted me to decide that. I didn’t sit on the bed like I usually do, but stood beside it. I was so heavily angry and upset. I explained to her how hard it is to keep everything to myself, to have no-one who understands or helps me, to have no-one I can just talk to, about no matter what. I said my situation is so mean and unfair, because everyone has someone they can talk to. I do have my parents but I don’t want to talk to them about everything, because they also don’t understand me. Or, people who don’t have anyone to talk to on earth, own a special gift, so they can communicate with spirits, but I am just alone, I have none of this. I wish so much I could at least see one spirit and could talk to him even if he wouldn’t talk back, but someone who’s just with me. It is so terribly hard. I don’t have any friends whom I can just text anytime. Yes, I have Mila or Linus or my relatives, but I don’t want to talk to them about everything and they usually don’t understand what I mean, and we’re also not that close. Except with Linus, when I think about us having a relationship in the future, it is a wonderful feeling, but it isn’t NOW. Now I need someone and now I don’t have anyone. I feel so lonely and alone.
I cried the whole time and then I went downstairs to say ‘good night’ to dad. I did it fast, because I was so sad and just wanted to go into my room, but no, he didn’t understand, thought I meant it meanly towards him and that’s why he followed me into my room and said: “You have two hands, two feet, just like two parents, which means you treat us both the same. I am there for you just like mom, which means I don’t just always get the leftovers.” Ahhhh, I hate it. Of course I was misunderstood again. Just nothing works. Everything in my life is negative, I hate school, it is a plague. I am alone. I am just sad and almost never happy anymore. I wonder what it feels like to be happy. I don’t know anymore. Was I ever happy?
I continued crying for long and stayed up late. Today is Monday and I am actually supposed to go into school, but because our exams only start on Wednesday, I took the day off today and maybe also tomorrow, but I don’t fully know yet. Anyway, this was a very sad and terrible experience. I didn’t want to go back home yesterday. Actually, I didn’t want anything anymore, except to be with Linus, watch ‘Barbie’ the whole day and be happy again.
Why I love watching ‘Barbie’ is because everything is always so nice. Everything turns out positive and everyone is happy. It is a dream world where you are just yourself and everyone helps you, everyone is liked and everyone can be what they want to be, without having to worry. Yesterday a ‘Barbie’ movie was playing on German TV which really suited my pain from two days ago, where in the end of course everything was good. That was very nice.
Are you also currently in the phase I am in right now? If you are out of that phase, how was it for you? Can you remember? Did you have someone who understood you or just listened to you? What did you learn from it? What did you do about it? Could you do anything about it? How did you deal with it? Was it difficult for you? How exactly did you feel? Is the pain gone? Were you able to help someone with it, with your experience?
I still have so many more questions. But for today, I’ll say goodbye. Until the next time!
