Diary Entry 6 November 2020
First of all, I want to welcome you and tell you how proud and happy I am about writing this Diary, and being able to inform you about how I am doing and what is happening in my life. I am currently writing on the 100th page of this Diary and I can’t believe how much has happened to me in this “short” period of time. Since a few weeks now, after I have written a diary Entry, I always tell mom how many pages I have filled with my emotions, thoughts and feelings. It is a very nice feeling to know trees, technology, electricity, computers and most of all experiences, exist, with which you can type words onto a piece of paper and therefore feel free and happy. This computer and everything I just mentioned is always there for me; when I don’t have anyone to talk to, don’t want to talk to anyone or have no-one who understands me. Apart from that, all of this is there for me when I feel lonely, alone, broken, hurt, done, sad, angry, but also happy and even when a lot more goes on in me. In this very second I realized I do have someone I can talk to. Right in this second, I am doing exactly That. I am talking to my computer, which is typing my words onto a wonderful piece of paper. I admit I feel very misunderstood and lonely at the moment – by humans – but I am being understood by the letters that are joining to print my words onto this page.
I’ll tell you another nice thing; which is that I had exams this week. And after each exam; first Home Economics, then English, Woodwork, Geography, Science, Maths and German, I thought: “I love exams”. Why these words were and are on my mind, is because I don’t have to communicate with any teacher or student during that time. The whole week I didn’t have to listen to any moaning or giving out or anything else from the teachers, because Monday and Tuesday I didn’t go to school, and from Wednesday to Friday (today) we had exams. That was great! Additionally, the class wasn’t as noisy as usual, as everyone had to concentrate on writing their exams. Although I did sit at the back of the room at the window, and I still noticed a lot of what was going on, from their energies to their conversations; but only until the teacher came in who watched over us. I love exams especially when I can answer everything, know everything, am able to do it without any problems or stress, and am finished on time. In order to get it to work out the way I wanted it to, I prayed every night – to Archangel Michael, God, my angels and my guides. I prayed to know and feel they are there, asked them to give me everything I need to manage it all and protect me. It gave me lots more power, courage and strength. I am so grateful for them, I love them so much.
Yesterday evening I had another conversation with mom (about dad and how he treats us or talks to us sometimes, especially – I felt – when mom is not there. But I also made it clear to her that I might be making things sound worse than they are, due to my thoughts, feeling, etc.), because I didn’t really like the way dad talked to Alana. This sadly escalated again and I felt misunderstood. Maybe I just can’t explain myself properly, but it was very sad once again how the conversation didn’t work out. Well, we still said ‘good night’ properly to one another, but afterwards I cried very hard – alone – in my room. This morning mom – like always – woke me up, but she hugged me for longer and gave me many kisses on my head. That was an easier start to my day then. I felt really sorry yesterday about how I often talk so badly about dad, but sadly I have more negative feelings towards dad than positive at the moment… Most of all it made me cry how my youngest sister (Alana) often hears our conversations, and it reminded me of my pain and my fears that I still have because I often sat by the adults when I was younger, and I always heard what they were talking about. I definitely didn’t want Alana to have those pains and fears later on in life, just because of me who often holds such long and loud conversations. I really hope it doesn’t affect her and she doesn’t hear what we say. My sweet little Alana…
Now it’s the weekend and due to us having exams all week long, we didn’t get any homework, which is really nice! Now I can relax and be excited about what my results are.
I quickly want to add that a few weeks ago I discovered an American YouTuber. She got famous through playing a made up person called ‘Miranda’ and she is very funny. Apart from that, she also has a vlog channel where she films her life every day. She talks very openly about her feelings there, and what her opinion on various topics is, and much more. I admire her for the fact that she doesn’t care about what others think of her, and for the fact that she would love to hear the opinions of her followers. Especially yesterday in her video, I found her amazing because she talked about the election for the new American president and she admitted she was very scared about it. She told everyone her opinion on it and she just didn’t understand how anyone would choose Trump, due to the horrible things he has already done. She would’ve loved to speak to someone who saw it differently, so she could understand them more, because she kept saying how she just can’t understand it… I would’ve loved to get in contact with her and tell her: “Whatever happens, it is for the best”. Even if negative or positive things happen, it is ALWAYS for the best, and I saw how sad she was and how she had to fight with it. I really would’ve loved to get in contact with her to tell her this.
I hope ye know: “Whatever happens, it is for the best” and “wherever you are in this moment, is exactly where you are meant to be”. Please don’t forget that. I also need to keep reminding myself of it. I love ye! Until the next time, yours, Leona! 🙂
