Diary Entry 13 November 2020
Today is dad’s birthday. I was actually in an ok mood. I don’t feel so good because of what happened (once again) in school yesterday. But I got up, went downstairs and watched dad read through his birthday card. I didn’t have any bad thoughts and just lived in the present moment. Then dad turned around to me and asked: “Can I maybe get a hug”, that was no problem for me, so we hugged each other!
How could I have known that of course it was a problem for him. How should I have known I was supposed to be the one to hug him before he mentioned it! How the hell can he perceive that as so bad again! I can’t anymore! I am done! I had no bad thoughts about hugging him or not hugging him at all! I just watched dad while he was opening the stupid card! I had nothing bad in mind and didn’t want to be mean! I thought we could just enjoy the day now, but no, of course I did something wrong again! I of course HAD to know he wanted to be hugged by me! I should’ve known I did something wrong AGAIN!!! I am so damn angry! I am currently crying, and when mom told me all this, I was so angry!
After he was finished opening the cards, I went upstairs to lay down in bed again (because of what happened yesterday I took today (Friday) off school). Then mom came into my room and asked if I could be a little nicer to dad today. At first I didn’t understand. I didn’t do anything wrong, did I? She said dad wants us to at least get along on his birthday. “What did I do wrong now?” I asked. My anger gradually increased. Then she said something like: “Yeah, dad wants us to at least get along a bit better on his birthday. Please try to be nice to him today, even if you just remember he brought you onto this earth. But please be nicer to him today. I know it is hard to be nice when you only see the negative, but you have to take care of relationships. You and dad don’t want to separate, you actually don’t want to fight. Dad is still like a little child, he isn’t good at being nice when someone hurts him, and I don’t know if it’s also too hard for you to be nice to him. It was the same with your brothers, they were all so hurt and that’s why your eldest brother doesn’t have any contact with him anymore. You both don’t want that. It is important to have a father and a mother in your life.” “But I didn’t do anything wrong today”, I noticed. I was very angry at this point at her for telling me I should behave kinder, just so dad feels better, even though he is also mean to me the whole time. She continued talking: “Yeah, dad would’ve liked to get a hug from you, without him having to go to you.” “How was I meant to know that? I didn’t have any bad thoughts, I just watched him while he was opening the cards!” “But you are already doing it automatically, – keeping your distance from dad.” That was enough for me! How dare she accuse me of that! I have to go through such shit at the moment! I am broken and done, hit to the ground! I am going through such a damn hard time and it has almost reached the point where I don’t want to live anymore! How am I meant to be different when I keep getting torn from inside out in school? How am I meant to be nice when I feel like shit and I only think negatively about myself too? I CAN’T BE NICE!!!!! AND I ALSO DON’T WANT TO BE!!! I ONLY WANT TO GO TO GERMANY! I am internally torn and hurt so badly, I am crying so hard and I can barely handle the pain anymore, how can you demand me to be nicer then! How can you say that to me! Especially my parents should know better! When someone feels bad, they just can’t be nice, especially not when you also keep get given out to by your dad! Guys, I can’t do it anymore! I am crying the whole time since I started this entry. I wish I had someone who understands me. What just happened, proved to me again that even mom doesn’t understand me. It hurts so much! It hurts so damn much! I can’t anymore! I want to leave, I want to go to Linus. What should I do? I am so defenceless, so alone, I feel like a worm. A worm that’s being squished by two human fingers, can’t defend itself, cries the whole time, but can’t make a single sound that someone hears. A worm that is just a little dirt stain for humans, but tries it’s best to live a good life in the world of humans.
I will also tell you about my painful experience from yesterday. I am currently very unsure of what I should do, if I should somehow get ready for the day, if I should go downstairs (where only dad and Akela (our dog) are), or if I should stay upstairs and already tell you about the experience from yesterday…
It is a few hours later now and I tried hard to be nicer, but if it worked, I am not sure. Anyways, I asked dad more questions, for example: “How was the massage?” or “what sort of package just arrived?” I am not well at all… I am pale and I don’t have a huge appetite, have very neutral feelings and I am not in such a happy mood. I finished my homework from yesterday and my aunt Julia and I texted a lot back and forth today, because I know that she at least will hear me out and is just a neutral and uninvolved person. I told her about how I was currently feeling, what happened yesterday and how I feel very misunderstood at the moment… She gave me some tips and I am very grateful for them, but sadly it doesn’t make my current situation any better. For dinner Amy and her best friend Ellie were there… I was somehow under a small cloud, but I still tried to enjoy it.
Now I would like to tell you about my experience from yesterday. So, my English teacher isn’t in school for many weeks now and until this week we had a very friendly, young, new teacher. English is one of my favourite subjects and I was very happy we got such a friendly teacher. But sadly we had a different teacher this week. She is working in this school for approximately one year now. Last year I had her for CSPE. I had such a huge fear of her, a panicky fear, but thanks to the ‘tapping’ method I did with my granddad and the work I do on myself, I am not afraid of her anymore. When we talked to the principals during the summer holidays about what I don’t want to be a part of in school anymore, this teacher was also mentioned. I said I don’t want to have this teacher anymore and I don’t even understand how she is allowed to be employed. I mean, she hissed and barked at pupils in the corridor when they were cheeky to her. She isn’t able to teach. She is either always drunk or something is wrong with her, as she is always sarcastic and it is never funny and she says some sarcastic things which can be really hurtful. When she gives out, she does it in such a high pitched voice and no-one takes her seriously. I think I mentioned and proved often enough how shitty my class is, but this teacher has no control over my class – none. If someone accidentally has their covid mask under their nose, she gives out so much as if the world were going under and sends that person straight to the principal’s office. In English class we are watching Romeo and Juliet with her, because we read that book with the other teacher and now we have to study the movie. Actually, I like that, because then she doesn’t have to teach us, but after two minutes (I really mean two minutes, I am not joking) she pauses it and explains what just happened, even though we have already learned all of that. Not to mention, she mouths the words spoken, or pauses the movie and mimics the words that are coming next. My class just said: “Stop always pausing the movie, can we not just watch it through?” She explained to us; if she wants to teach it this way, then she will and no-one can tell her what to do. Of course everyone was noisy and messed around, because the teacher doesn’t have my class under control, and every time this happened, she always paused the movie and played it back five minutes.
For example, a boy wanted to grab a tissue because his schoolbag was drenched in muck and she gave out to him, telling him to sit down right away and not allowing him to get a tissue. She constantly gave out. Yesterday my class paid particularly little attention to what she wanted and halfway through the class, she paused the movie for the fortieth time and then she shouted with her high pitched voice: “Your behaviour is totally unacceptable, when the results for your exams come out, it will determine whether ye go into higher or lower level English and then you won’t be laughing anymore. You should put in a little effort, you are doing your junior cert this year and therefore you shouldn’t behave so unacceptable”, and she probably said even more, but that’s what I remember. When she said this, I felt her energy. She was very hurt and sad. As I felt her energy, mine was taken away already and I got tears in my eyes, because I couldn’t handle it anymore. But I tried so hard to keep it in, – it was so difficult.
When the teacher sprayed the disinfectant onto our desks and came around to the four boys that were the loudest and meanest to her, she sprayed it onto their jumpers. She herself is still like a little child. Then it got even worse. For the last five minutes the principal came in, because the teacher had to leave. The principal asked if we all behaved and the teacher responded: “No, actually they didn’t. Their behaviour is totally unacceptable. If these four” – she said their real names here – “weren’t in this class, it would be much better. That’s all I have to say, I’m leaving now.” I felt the energies again, especially from one boy. He didn’t understand how she could say that, when she didn’t behave any better herself. What didn’t help was she said this to the principal, which he gets in trouble with a lot anyway. Apart from that, he found it unfair (and me too) that the teacher was allowed to express what she didn’t like about the class, but he wasn’t allowed to say what he found unacceptable and mean about the teacher. Of course, you can go up to the principal afterwards, but I also noticed she does listen to what one has to say, but she doesn’t really carry through with it or do something about it… At this point I was just torn and done. Thankfully it was the last subject of the day. I went outside and stepped into the car. Straight away, the tears flooded, now I couldn’t keep it in anymore, it all came out and I also didn’t want to repress my tears any longer. Dad asked what was going on right away and when we parked the car behind our house, I tried to explain what was going on. I still continued crying the whole time. He tried to help me, but it didn’t help. I got a little angry, because once again no-one could help me. I went inside, threw my schoolbag into the hallway, tore off my jacket and shoes in front of the stairs, and then I just ran upstairs into my room. I locked it, sat down again into the space behind my bed, between my furniture and bawled and bawled. It was such a heavy pain internally, that I was screaming in pain (but still not loud enough for someone else to hear it). I would’ve loved to know who was with me – which guide or angel. I really would’ve liked to ask Matthias, I really would’ve liked to see a friendly spirit, I really would’ve liked not to be alive anymore in that moment. I couldn’t switch off the bawling and the screams of pain and I didn’t resist them. It was allowed to come. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream of pain.
After a long while, mom came to me and said she had called the principal (so dad told her what had happened), and I don’t have to go into any of her classes from now on. “When you see her, you walk the other direction. If you have her, you get up and walk out of the classroom. And tomorrow, you definitely don’t have to go to school.” She hugged me and expressed how sorry she was, multiple times. The tears came up again and I went directly into the shower. Normally I would eat first, then do homework and my exercises and then I would’ve washed myself, but yesterday I didn’t do anything anymore. I just went for a shower and listened to music, then I ate a little for dinner, some cookies and watched TV. I didn’t have any strength left over to do anything else. That’s why I did the homework from yesterday, today…
This was honestly a very painful and terrible experience. Thank you so much for reading, you wonderful people! I will do my workout now and afterwards I’ll watch a movie with my family. I love ye! Yours, Leona.
