Diary Entry 17 November 2020
I am currently sitting in school, in the principal’s office, and am writing this entry on a simple, plain piece of paper. The principal isn’t here right now and I don’t think she is able to read this (as I originally wrote it in German), nor will.
I am not sure how often I am meant to say this, but I am currently not well at all. Ye probably noticed through the last few entries and I feel it every day.
I cried just a little while ago (in front of the principal), yesterday evening (at home) and I have already written about my breakdowns in my diary so many times, but not every time because then it wouldn’t be a ‘Diary’ but a ‘crying book’.
Now the principal is sitting in her seat again, but it doesn’t stop me from writing this.
Yesterday dad forcefully demanded again that I have nothing to say, as he and mom discussed how much Alana is allowed to eat. I thought it was so mean and hurtful, therefore, while we (Amy, mom and I) watched a movie, I had my legs up and my fist in front of my face the entire time. (This is where the bell rang and I went into the next class. Now – 21 November, a Saturday – I am continuing this entry.) That evening, again, didn’t work out so well. I always find it so sad when I can’t enjoy my evenings, because school is difficult enough for me already. I also didn’t say a proper ‘good night’ to mom and all this was just too much for me. I laid down in bed then, pulled the blanket over my mouth and immediately started crying. It was so painful, I automatically cried loudly and let out screams of pain. I didn’t think mom would come into my room, because usually she doesn’t hear me, or I was just never this loud. But yeah, she came in and she didn’t do what I thought she would. She sat on my bed and couldn’t see my face, but still stroked my arm and tried to calm me down. She said I need sleep to gather strength and that sometimes things just don’t go so well. “It is all ok, it is all ok”, she whispered to me. These words were everything I needed in that moment. No big conversation, no words that told me what to do, no explanation, nothing. Just knowing everything is ok. Mom only left the room when I had fully calmed down and it happened faster than expected.
The next day, the 17th November, something overwhelming happened. In big break I went to the principal and asked who we have for the next English class. And of course it was the teacher I had a problem with, the teacher I told you about before. The principal wanted me to stay for another while. She asked what I would like to do now, and she told me she had a long and detailed conversation with the teacher. She then tried to explain to me how she doesn’t know when our actual English teacher will come back, but that this one is a highly qualified teacher and that she apparently likes me. “Yeah, maybe she likes me, but I don’t like her and I honestly don’t understand why she is a teacher!” those were my words back to her. It shocked me how confident I brought across those words and how little I was sorry to have spoken them. In the end we decided I would try to go into the English class, because the principal supposed it is important not to miss anything, but she said she can’t force me to go into her class. I didn’t really like this idea.
Afterwards I didn’t feel so good, because I used a lot of energy behind the words I said, and I was really annoyed and almost angry at her for defending her employee again. When I went back to the radiator, the girl that I talk to and walk around with at break time (about nothing interesting or deep), had already told two other girls from my class how I am talking to the principal about the English teacher. I could’ve guessed it, – she doesn’t keep anything to herself! Just once I tell her something private, and the word gets spread right away!! As if this weren’t enough already, the boys in front of me discussed if watching lesbian porn is gay. I could’ve puked. That was so disgusting, gross and ewwwww!!! I didn’t want to hear that!
I wasn’t well at all, because so much happened at once and the day was really stressful anyway because in Home Economics I got totally overwhelmed with piles of sheets that I had to fill out for the project. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I went to the secretary and wanted to call my parents, but of course the principal saw me again and called me into her office. I didn’t want that. And also, I had no strength left at this point. My tears just came up and she asked me to sit. She asked if even more had happened (in the past five minutes, as that was the last time we spoke) but I lied and answered with “no”. Just so much had happened. Not just in the past five minutes. In the last few days. In the past few weeks. In the past few months. In the past few years. And I think it really would’ve been too much to tell her about what really happened in all that time. Apart from that, she couldn’t have helped me if I told her, just like everyone else. The other principal called dad and explained what was going on with the English class (I don’t know what they discussed and to be honest I am not interested to know). In conclusion, mom was gone with the car already, so I would’ve had to walk home. Of course that would’ve worked, but I had the feeling it would be best to stay in school (as stupid as it sounds, but I thought if I were to go home now or in two hours, I didn’t have any energy left either way and therefore I would have a break down anyway). I pulled through two hours of woodwork-theory.
Arrived at home. Eating. Talking. Mom started. I explained what had happened. It escalated. I cried out of pain. I felt so alone. I found it so unfair how I have no-one. Dad just said: “You are not alone!” That didn’t help at all. Everything in my life is negative and what I have to go through is becoming more and more and harder and harder. And I am alone. “You just can’t see any positivity because you are stuck in a hole and that’s why it’s becoming more” mom supposed. That didn’t help. At all. I am alone. I want to go to Germany. I continued bawling. It hurt so much. Why did it have to be so mean? Why was I not allowed to have any special gifts or someone who understands or helps me? Why did I have to be so alone? Mom and dad kept speaking against it: “You just can’t see it”, “you are not alone”. It didn’t help. Not a bit. Dad left then. I was very loud and screamed the answers, as that’s the way it is when I am really hurt and simultaneously cry. Mom was very calm towards the end. As if she understood something. I noticed something. She understood something. But the crying didn’t stop, because the pain was still present. She came over to me. Like the night before, she took me into her arms but she didn’t say anything this time. She rubbed my arm. For the first time she was able to bear my crying. For the first time in 15 years she didn’t have to leave the room due to my crying. For the first time she didn’t say I should be quite. For the first time she didn’t say anything about her sensitive ears. For the first time she didn’t say I should stop, because she couldn’t help me otherwise. For the first time I was allowed to properly cry. For the first time she could handle it. For the first time, she understood.
After a long while, in which I calmed down, mom knelt to the ground. She took my hand, whispered calmly and with clear thoughts: “Yes, you are alone. You must really be something special.” We hugged each other. That was a very special moment between us and the recognition.
After I finished my homework (which mom helped me with), and looked at my phone, I had a WhatsApp message from dad. It simply read: “I love you” and even though he tells me this every night, it was exactly what I needed to hear right now, but sadly I’m currently not so good at saying it back. I went to him into his office. Tears dropped down my face. “Thank you”, came over my lips. We hugged each other for long. That was a very special moment, also between us.
Even though there were two special moments on that Tuesday, the pain is present again and again. Mom assured me I will be happy again and go through great times. She knew it.
Until the next diary entry. I wish you lots of strength, for now, for today and for ever more! Love ye. Leona!
