Diary Entry 30 December 2020
Today I will make a ‘normal’ diary entry and won’t continue what I started in my last one, I will continue that another day.
The last few days, I felt really depressed. The same as it was at the start of 2020. It felt like I wasn’t properly alive and I couldn’t feel that I was. Clouds covered my eyes and it was exhausting to see. My brain was mixed up and I lost my rational thinking. I kept wanting to look down, not into anyone’s eyes. I gave up smiling, as I was like in a dark hole. I felt how the depression took me over and I let it. I gave up trying to talk to my mother about certain things, I could never bring it across the way I wanted to and when I tried, she didn’t understand it or didn’t give me time to think about how I should say it. That’s why I locked myself into my room the last two days. I ate barely anything, only went downstairs for dinner, but looked stiffly down at my plate the entire time, not knowing what I should do – in the next conversation dad would have with me, he would accuse me of not looking in his direction at dinner or he would accuse me of looking wrongly in his direction. So I just decided to stiffly focus on my plate. I didn’t help clean up the table like I usually would, but instead, I ate the small portion that was on my plate, put it into the sink and disappeared as fast as I could into my room to continue reading. Yeah, reading, that’s all I did the whole day with a locked door. Maybe I took a Caramel sweet here and there, but that was it.
Yesterday and today I went for a walk with mom but decided to turn around halfway and look at the pictures in One Direction’s albums. Mom came into the car to me after the walk and expressed how she can’t take it anymore, that she wants to have a nice new year’s eve tomorrow and asked what was going on with me. I wanted to answer, I wanted to say something, but it didn’t work, all that came out was: “I am just…..” and a sigh. The whole way back home I stared stiffly out the window, barely moved and said nothing. The depression took over and I didn’t want it, but I still didn’t fight against it.
Arrived at home, I locked myself into my room again. With my legs up on my chair and my head against the headrest, I only thought about… no idea, everything and nothing… I thought about everything and nothing… Then I sat in a normal posture again and prepared to be distracted by the book. But then someone knocked at the door.
I didn’t want to let mom in, as I had nothing to say. But I wanted to let mom in, as I had a lot to say. “No!” burst out of me. “But we have to discuss a few things!” I turned the key around in the lock and sat back down onto my comfy chair. I automatically looked away as she sat down on my bed in front of me, so I turned my head to a different direction, because I knew this conversation was going to be a serious one.
It turned out the year 2020 was also a difficult one for mom. I made her cry when I said that I decided not to talk to her about deep things anymore, because she always wants to help and do everything so I feel good, and it came out meaner than I hoped. I called her back as she moved towards the door and wanted to leave. Right in that moment, all the pain that dad caused me burst out of me. I gave a few examples of what he says to me in our conversations: “Jesus didn’t die for you, he died for us all.” He compares me to Amy, because she looks perfectly into his eyes when they talk, but I can’t do that or else I feel the emotions of the other person and can’t concentrate anymore. Apart from that, I just can’t say ‘good night’ or ‘I love you’ to him, or properly say ‘goodbye’ because he already put me in immense pain, which is why I am just not able to do that. I can’t say it and fully mean it and usually I can’t say it at all. He compares me to both my half-brothers and claims that I will leave and separate myself from him the same way, if I don’t change. He says I should change and solve my problems.
After a while of silence, mom asked if I would leave him. I said, totally serious, that when it continues like this until I am eighteen and then move out, yes, I can imagine being in little contact with him. But dad also always says how it isn’t his fault, he says I have to change, I am the person that’s wrong. When I spoke those words, I started crying because it is so horrible and hurts like hell when someone tells me it’s my fault or someone says I can’t always blame other. Because I always blame myself. I always blame myself for everything and everyone.
In the mornings I am scared to meet dad around the house when mom is not there or when mom is working, I hope that she comes home early, – even though I know what time her work is over, – as dad only holds serious conversations with me when mom is not there, because then I don’t have someone who will defend me or provoke him. Mom is not there to protect me, no-one can interrupt him while talking and I am not allowed to. I’m not supposed to defend myself, I should sit still when he throws all these things at me with his words, and terribly hurts me without realizing it, or to do it on purpose.
He is proud of what he does, he claims, and implies I have to work on myself until I am proud of myself. I confessed to mom openly and honestly that I am wondering why she is still together with dad. I know I love him deep down and if something were to happen to him, I would regret everything, but I really don’t understand why mom is still with him. In his eyes I am doing everything wrong, no matter what I do, look at him or not, both is wrong and is taken as an example for the fact that I am wrong in his next conversation with me.
In between mom commented on a few things that I said, nothing bad, but most of the time she just let me talk without interruption. She made it clear to me at the end, that I should try as hard as possible not to blame myself for everything, because she knows what that’s like and I shouldn’t do it anymore. I promised I would try.
Mom is very sad she can’t talk to her family properly. She keeps ‘lying’ when they ask how we are doing, because we all feel horrible, but she can’t tell them that. For days, she wants to talk to her family, but she can’t stop herself from pulling up a fake mask and pretending like everything is ok. I can understand that, because a few days ago, in the park, I went back to the car because I didn’t want to magically make a smile appear on my face which wasn’t real, just for others to see.
Mom and I decide to arrange a family psychologist because it just can’t continue like this. How often I have already let out screams of pain and laid rolled up on the floor because I was hurting so badly inside. How many diary entries I have already written about that topic. How often dad has already held conversations with me that made everything even worse. How dad doesn’t realise it isn’t always our fault. Why doesn’t he see that BOTH of his sons left him and when I also do that, it CAN’T just be OUR fault. It is impossible, because the same procedure happens again and again. If dad won’t agree to this, then mom and I will go there to help ourselves, so we will be strong enough to manage all this.
I am so happy this happened today; I could finally say something to someone. The tears finally came again. Mom finally properly understood me and realized we needed help. I would’ve never thought this strong family would need help one day, but no matter how strong we are, we are equally as weak. Apart from that, it doesn’t mean we are weak for getting help, it’s the opposite. Our family togetherness is weak at the moment, that’s why we are strong for reaching out our hands for help.
This moment between mom and I was very nice. If at least we stick together, then we will manage it. I have the feeling I want to write something else, but sadly I can’t remember, if I do remember, I will write it down here: Mom claims I should never doubt my feelings, what you feel is real!
And if I did or didn’t write anything down there, I wish you a good night, or a good morning, or a wonderful day, or everything! I love ye! It is incredible how I know nothing about you and you know almost everything about me…Bye! 🙂
