Diary Entry 1 January 2021
This is a scene I imagined when we were supposed to have a Zoom call with our family in Germany (but I had no strength to join it), after I couldn’t deal with dad anymore and I separated myself from him – as his child.
Family in Germany asks (as usual): “Hey, how are you?”
I answer before mom talks and lies: “To be honest, real shit. We feel totally shit! Dad and I fought, which ended something between us. Mom and dad’s marriage isn’t going so well and Akela is sick. I am broken and shattered into millions of pieces. The pain that dad caused me for months and I kept holding inside, to continue trying to forgive him and to make things work, escalated.
I threw – no, slammed – my books with all the anger – no, pain – that was inside of me, onto the ground. Slammed them against the wall, against the door. I took a huge packet of caramel bonbons and hammered them all around the room – my room. My perfumes fell over and banged onto my night table. My whole room was destroyed when I could finally physically let out my pain, which I always wanted to do, but never did. Now the end was reached. I couldn’t just let dad get away with what he said to me once again and what he did to me. Now it’s obvious why none of you like him. No wonder his own sons couldn’t stand him, can’t even be near him. Now he also lost me. Over and done. Everything positive that I felt for him was extinguished. I lost a parent and nothing was going to be like before. Nothing.
My knees fell in a little, my back crouched and my head sank with the pain that I felt in the middle of my body. It wasn’t a new pain. Just more intense. Just so, that I screamed, my tears streamed from me like a waterfall as I destroyed my room with all my power.
I will never open my door for this terrible man, – beast. “Go away! Go away!” but the monster, who wasn’t my dad anymore, didn’t leave and continued knocking. “GO AWAY! LEAVE!” I screamed from the top of my voice, a sharp tone filled my room due to the screams of pain I kept releasing.
Oh no, mom. I don’t want her to be scared. She didn’t deserve that. Why would this horrible person, whom I thought to be my father, even ask if I would let mom in. That wasn’t a question for me, but HE had to leave first. Away from me. Fully away. To a place where I would never see him again.
’Oh no, mom’ was pulsing in my brain. Right away, I unlocked the door for her. Bloodshot eyes stared at me in fear, as her small, delicate hands tightly gripped a cloth, holding it in front of her lips. I directly stormed into her arms. I bawled against her shoulder. It hurt so much internally. “I am so sorry. I am so sorry”, I screamed through my tears, – the waterfall that dropped onto her shoulder, as I hugged her even tighter. Maybe a little too tight. We both cried loudly and no-one let go. Until I heard a male voice approaching us. Straight away, I pulled away from our internally painful hug and went into the furthest away corner of my room, with my back turned to the door. Just too sad no blood stains were left behind, as I had punched the wall too weakly before my ‘book attack’. “I want him to leave” was all that I was able to let out loudly, and it was the most important in that moment. He left. Thankfully. He didn’t matter to me at all. At all.
“You both have to apologise”, she begged through her tears, as she came closer to me. I shook my head. There is no way that will happen. He had too many chances. “Please”, she begged in a tone which was full of pain and hope. “No!” “Please”, she whispered now, through her tears, still begging. “No!” that won’t happen. She can forget it. “Please Leona, I promise we will get help after that.” “No, I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that. He doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve me!” I said, purely serious. “I know what he’s like, I know he makes a lot of mistakes”, she said softly. We both thought about his sons. And now also of me. But I won’t do that. He won’t change. He deserves to see how I leave him after all he’s done. “Please think about it” were the last words spoken. These words will always be in my head. But right now I hate him too much to forgive him.
Mom gently pressed my arm before she left my room. I am happy about what book I am reading at the moment, as that brought me to this point, – of finally letting this shit come out of me, which was in me for way too long.
Bawling and paining, not knowing if I could stand for any longer, I locked the door and laid down – or should I say squeezed – into the back corner of my room with my blanket and pillow. ‘I don’t deserve a proper bed’, my subconscious added. I agreed with it. So I laid down, rolled up. Rolled up, due to the emptiness in my chest, to try and cover it.
I wished so much to see my protector – anyone – or to go out of body. But my thoughts kept distracting me, to think about the mean things I could say to dad the next time he would speak to me. Curse words kept appearing and in between, the tears dropped, but I tried as hard as I could to concentrate on the dizziness and numbness in my body to finally leave my body. I didn’t dare to open my eyes to lie there with the disappointment of still being in the stupid human world. I don’t know how long I laid there with closed eyes, giving everything to get away from here, and to think of mean, painful things, but it felt very long. After a while I just had to distract myself, so I continued reading the book. The whole day. Hours on end, without eating, without talking to someone. And still in the small corner, which now is my new home. I knew exactly what I would say when dad knocked at the door, but it was always mom.
Well, after a few hours I decided to clean my room, do my workout and shower. After that I returned to my room to read. Sadly mom insisted I eat dinner, so I grabbed a bowl of cereal and disappeared into my room again. I always remembered to lock the door.
While saying ‘good night’ – of course not to dad – mom said when I was born, with that, her partner was born. As much as I had left of my heart, – it melted, because this confirmed exactly what I recently thought: Mom and me have to stick together, as only then we can manage our family, or more; my dad. That’s why Matthias mentioned mom and I will work together later on. Maybe because we have to get through this together, we have to strengthen each other and then later on we will hold presentations and help people, together. Yeah, I see it that way too.
Mom still hoped dad and I will start off small again. Maybe just a ‘good night’ text, but I claimed I needed time and that is one of the reasons why it escalated, because we can’t properly say it to one another. I won’t make a step in his direction that fast. To the person which once was my father. Even if mom claimed with her whole heart that dad doesn’t know if he should say good night because he is scared and knows he will say something wrong again, I knew dad would never say and mean it that way. So no, I stick to my decision.
But yeah, or else we feel great”, sarcasm obvious in my voice, with a smile on my lips. “And how are you?” I imagined asking after that. “Now, come on, you can tell the truth” I continued pushing, with sarcasm written big on my face. “I don’t know much about problems, I mean ye don’t have many either: Ye don’t know…”, I point to the first family on the Zoom call “… if ye should get divorced or not, even though you never truly loved him.
Ye…” next family “… are scared to get sick. You don’t let anyone into your home, no guests, because of covid and your fears.
You…” third family “… might have an operation on your knee in this difficult time of covid and simultaneously, you have three small children with your wife, whom you also have to look after.
And ye…” last family “… just bought a new house to renovate, which you have to work on from morning ‘til night. And apart from that, you have heart issues.
Now, tell me that you are doing fine! TELL ME THAT YOU ARE DOING FINE!!!” I scream.
That’s it, that is all I have to say for today. No, actually I could say more, but my hand hurts from writing and I want to continue reading to distract myself.
It seems like, in the hardest times I always have a book which allows me to disappear into a different world and which easily pulls me in. One where I would preferably never come out of again.
You are welcome to think about how you truly feel and honestly write down how you would like to answer this question. You are welcome to imagine it the way you want, just like I did. Everything is allowed in the imagination. Leona.
