Diary Entry 24 January 2021
Today I will continue what I started a few entries ago. Which is transferring various notes I wrote, into my diary.
23rd December 2020, after the conversation with dad and a long period of bawling alone in the bathroom:
It’s me
All my fault
I hate myself
You love yourself
You don’t get me
I forget me
“Do better, change, be the way you were”, I can’t, I tried, I can’t
Step into your shoes?
How about mine.
I am wrong
You are right
The same old shite
Fuck up and be quiet.
You call me egotistic.
Of course, you’re right, the only one I think about is me.
I am hurt.
But you don’t care.
You won’t change for anyone but expect me to change for you.
Forget it.
“If you don’t want the gap between us to get bigger, well then change very fast!”
How often do I have to say: I can’t! Stop hurting me, stop putting so much pressure on me. This makes me hate you more and more.
Why can’t we just accept the things/ situations the way they are? Why do I have to be like I was before? Why do I have to change?
Yes, I hurt you and I’m sorry but I can’t say ‘goodbye’ to you properly. I can’t say ‘I love you’ to you. I can’t!
Leave me alone
I am hurt
I want to die
I want to feel loved
I want to be happy
I want to be a better person.
Leave me alone.
I will not become like Bryson.
I am not egotistic.
How low do you think of me
What do you think of me.
You don’t know me at all.
I am not like that
I won’t become like that
‘Helping me’ you call it.
No shit you are doing.
Just accept the things the way they are, that would make it all easier.
I can’t change right now.
I am hurt, alone and no-one is helping me or understands me.
I won’t change now
Because I can’t
I won’t become the way I was
Because I can’t
Just fucking accept the things the way they are, when we both do that, we won’t be against each other anymore. Therefore we can see where the roads lead us; either apart or together, but we just accept it instead of fighting against each other.
Yeah, come on, say it’s my fault, say it’s me.
Tell me I’m wrong.
Tell me it’s me.
Tell me!!!
Say it’s not always the other person’s fault, meaning that it’s mine.
Hurt me more, come on, I am waiting, do it.
Tell me shit about myself.
Tell me you’re helping me.
Try to help me but make everything worse.
I hate it.
I can’t do this anymore.
Crying. Crying. Crying.
Looking at myself in the mirror. Alone. Just me and my reflection. Together. Alone.
Fuck it. Fuck you. Fuck everything. FUCK.
Maybe I am egotistic, you know, you’re right, I will leave you, I will become like Bryson, I will leave you.
I don’t want to hurt you, I never do it intentionally. I never do it on purpose.
Just leave me alone.
I can’t do it differently.
I will never forgive myself for writing, thinking or feeling this, if anything happens to you.
But the way you say I have no respect towards you.
You absolutely don’t care why I do things the way I do, and what’s going on inside of me. You only want me to change so I don’t leave you and you don’t get hurt by me.
Of course I have to work on myself, I mean, I am a hideous human being, I do everything wrong. It’s all in my mind and I do nothing out of heart. Nothing. I can’t be sarcastic, cause it hurts you, I can’t say or do anything without it hurting you and being wrong. And if I don’t say or do anything, it hurts you and is wrong for you too.
What the hell do you expect from me. I am not an angel on earth. And I am not your angel.
You want me to understand and listen to you like Amy and Alana and Mum do? Well then you listen to me and understand me like no-one else does.
You had a harder childhood than I did. You have more fears, problems, etc. than me and I know that- I don’t want to be you.
But stop belittling mine and hurting me just because of that.
I can’t right now. I hate absolutely everything.
Yeah I am stiff, yeah I went through traumas.
You are true to yourself, well I am too.
You won’t change for anyone, well I won’t either.
I don’t worry as much about school anymore. But I am in it, so accept it.
You look in the mirror and tell yourself you try your best every day. You think I don’t try? What a witch do you think I am?
You think I do everything on purpose? For sure I do.
You want me to change.
I am sorry for you.
And more I won’t say or do about that.
I will change when I want to and I will not do it when YOU want me to.
I can’t talk to you anymore because you won’t understand. I cry alone, and no-one knows. I get torn from inside out. I shiver and shiver. Everything scrunches together. I look at myself in the mirror and realize I’m alone. It’s only me and my reflection together but so, so alone.
If I try to explain something by saying it over and over again, so be it. You don’t have to hold it against me straight away.
Just accept the situation the way it is and it’ll unfold, but we have to stop interfering.
That’s enough.
I am tired.
23rd December 2020, later that day:
My quote of the day: “The lord, your God, is with you with everything that you do.”
My thoughts about that: “Yeah, but I don’t feel it.”
I went for a shower after reading this and suddenly the shower, the music and the lights turn off. Only in our house the electricity shut off and that never happened before.
This was a clear sign directed at me, wasn’t it?
26th December 2020
I asked dad: “Can I watch a movie until about half eleven down here tonight?”
Dad: “Yeah, but then I’ll sit here with you at my computer like always, or is that not good enough for you?”
Me: “I’d like to be alone down here.”
Dad: “Think about what you’re asking me right now!”
He became aggressive with a simple question and slammed the drawer closed. Omg. Just because I’d like to sit here without him.
Now I really didn’t do anything wrong. You know what, I really don’t care, I just won’t watch a movie and just won’t think about it anymore. This time I really wasn’t the one who did something wrong.
28 December 2020
Today I started reading ‘After’. I like it, but I am scared of being pulled into it again and not feeling like I am alive in my own world. It feels a little like that already, even though I just started reading. I hope it doesn’t happen, and I can continue feeling alive and I can keep a distance from it. (I can tell you from the present moment that it didn’t happen, but I did push away my own problems when reading the book and when I was finished with the book, my problems caught up to me again…)
29 December 2020, fuck everything:
I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t talk to anyone anymore. Dad takes everything personal right away and is extra mean then, which he admitted himself. Mom keeps defending dad: “It’s not his fault.” To hell, I know that. Mom sighs, complains and says she can’t take it anymore. She isn’t even stuck in the middle of it. I want to get away from here too.
I just God damn can’t change. I won’t solve my problems for anyone. I will become like Bryson he says. He does everything back to me on purpose. “I can’t talk to anyone, not even with you, mom. You don’t understand me, defend dad or don’t let me finish speaking.”
Dad says his problems are much more, bigger and more painful than mine. How can someone say that when they see how broken the other person is. If someone were to say that to him, how would he feel?
“Do you think I haven’t tried that”, I screamed at mom, when she asked if I could try to be nicer.
He doesn’t help me to not turn out like him, he just makes it worse and compares me to Bryson or anyone else. He just can’t accept me the way I am. Tears. Anger. Pain.
I really would’ve liked to hang a note on the door that read: “Don’t knock, don’t talk to me, I won’t open up and I won’t come downstairs.”
I would’ve preferred to starve myself and read the ‘After’ collection the whole day. There, mom knocked at the door, claimed I should open up and we both shouldn’t fight because I do that often enough with dad. “What do you want?” I asked aggressively. I opened the door and stood in front of her with a two meter distance and looked down – like I always do when a serious conversation follows.
“Stop being so aggressive!”
I slammed my hand onto my desk and asked again with a raised voice: “What do you want?” Then I threw everything at her head what I was thinking. Which were all these entries I had written onto these notes.
I think we are having lunch soon, so I am finished right on time. I thank you for reading. Yours, Leona. Until the next Diary Entry.
