Diary Entry 30 January 2021
Since a few days I randomly pull one of my ‘Angel cards’ each day. There is always a positive message on them and every time I pick one, the message always suits my situation perfectly.
On Thursday (28th January) a situation in my family totally escalated. Amy and I did our homework at the kitchen table and had to concentrate a lot. I was in a weird mood the whole day already, because I felt a certain energy inside of me and therefore wasn’t able to look anybody into their eyes properly, because I knew something was going to happen. Alana (my youngest sister, she is basically the life of our family) kept interrupting us during our homework, even though we already told her we have to concentrate. Apart from that, mom put a little pressure on us because she said she wants to be at granny and grandad’s property, the latest, in half an hour.
Well, that’s how it continued. At some point Amy told Alana in a stricter voice that she should be quite. Alana back-answered cheekily and then it was my turn. It was fitting how in that very moment, mom and dad came into the kitchen. My voice was louder and meaner than I anticipated. I didn’t mean to talk this way and I didn’t have any bad thoughts in my head, except that it reminded me of the past, where Alana always did this to me and I know exactly how stressful it is when she doesn’t stop. I was like in a different world, because afterwards I didn’t know if I actually spoke or not. Like I said, this was the energy I felt the entire day.
Anyway, the proof of me having said it out loud was dad giving out. “Ey, no-one talks to someone in the family like that!” My blood was already boiling at this point. I was glad we had barely spoken the last few days or weeks, as it prevented these situations, but of course he couldn’t shut his mouth now. I just couldn’t stay quite now. “Yaaaaa.” I was really annoyed and I was about to burst any second. I continued staring at my art sheet and I didn’t even notice my hand still drawing. I didn’t feel it anymore. My head pounded and I just couldn’t surrender like a dog and let him win when he said: “We have told you often enough that it is unacceptable how you talk!” How dare he say that. Is he currently talking any better or what? He just couldn’t stay out of it. He had to come between us. Thankfully I haven’t made a step into his direction yet, clearly nothing is better or has healed yet. Imagine I would’ve made a step in his direction or forgiven him a little, then something like this would’ve happened way more often. Now it’ll take even longer until I make any step in his direction. “You too”, was the only thing I got out of my mouth between my thoughts. I didn’t know if it made any sense at all, but he understood it. “Always the last word, huh?” I had such an urge to scream something back at his angry voice. I would’ve really liked to throw the whole table at him. But I didn’t have any time to finish thinking that, because mom let out in a raised voice: “Rob, Leona, you have to stop!”
I went straight to my room. I hated him so much. I was so angry. My thoughts were filled with proof about how good it was of me, not to have made a step towards him. All I saw was red. My whole body was charged.
At granny and granddads property, I sat in the car the entire time and read, while the others were out walking. That calmed my anger a little because it distracted me. But I still would’ve liked to escape to somewhere. I couldn’t make a smile appear on my lips because I was still so pulled down from what had happened, and my thoughts.
Arrived at home, I said nothing to dad and went straight to my room. I was in my room so often in the past few weeks, as never before in my life. Usually I was always with my family, but now I had to be far away from them. They aren’t doing me any good and I am not doing them any good.
Mom and I watched TV alone in the evening. Dad never watches with us anyway and lately Amy and Alana aren’t watching with us a lot either. Mom had to keep thinking about the situation from noon today, and it upset her. It didn’t really make me sad, just angry and the thought that I might actually leave him like Bryson did, amused me and played in my head. Then everything would be so much easier.
I noticed something was wrong with mom when she said ‘good night’ to me. Because when I walked past her room, she was talking to dad and wasn’t so satisfied. She came to me afterwards and said a none-emotional ‘good night’. I stopped her and asked what was going on with her. She just doesn’t understand how people can’t apologies. I told her I wanted to apologies to Alana before she came to me, but that I won’t apologies to dad. Mom said he won’t do it either. That was fine with me, I didn’t need it. Mom wants us to get closer again, but I explained how this situation is the proof it doesn’t work. And I thought, after she had read one of my Diary Entries about dad, it was clear to her I can’t forgive him so fast and don’t want to get close to him anytime soon.
We both went into Alana and Amy’s room and us four girls went through the situation again and picked out what each of us did wrong, and what we should look out for. Actually, only mom was talking.
After that, I was alone. I felt abandoned. I was in my bed and was just alone. There were so many thoughts in my head, but none at the same time. There were so many I couldn’t properly think of one. I cried for a long time and when I thought it was over, more tears came. This crying was different than the last ones though. It wasn’t a crying of pain. It were tears of realization about what is going on at the moment, and what I would like to have but don’t have.
I have to do things I don’t want to do. I wake up every day and am not where I want to be. I’m not doing damn well and it seems to be getting worse and worse. I mean, in my thoughts, a ‘One Direction’ member is watching me. He sees what I’m doing in my room and watches me. It is horrible to know how lonely I am that I have to imagine this. I really want someone to see me so bad. Someone who’s with me. Someone who sees how I am really feeling behind shut doors. I want company. I want someone to truly see how I’m doing. I find it so terrible to live with the realization I am just imagining it. The One Direction member isn’t really there. He doesn’t truly see me. I don’t even know why I chose him to see me. It just seemed the most fitting. But he doesn’t even truly see me. I am just imagining it, but in a way that it feels real. I behave differently in some ways because he ‘watches and sees me’. But he doesn’t actually do that. It would be so nice though. Too nice.
It would be so nice if he spoke to me one day and just knows me so well, because he saw everything behind shut doors. I would be so happy if he would say he learned so much from me because I am different than others. It would be a dream to be friends with a famous person, who could help me publish my book so I can also become famous and can therefore help people. I would love to help people. I would love to be someone who presents themselves the way they are. With all their problems, worries, fears, emotions, mistakes, imperfections, dreams and so much more. I wouldn’t wear any expensive clothes just because I am famous or have a lot of money, I would show that it doesn’t matter what you wear and what your body looks like. It doesn’t make you You. It doesn’t speak for or show who you are inside. I would love to help and be an idol, or someone where people know, they are not alone, and it isn’t something bad to feel what you feel and to show it. I want to understand people and be the anchor which they can hold onto, so they stay themselves and don’t get carried away by the outside world.
I would love to wake up every day and be happy with where I am, who is around me and what I have planned. I wouldn’t go to school anymore. I would know everything I need to know in this lifetime. I would wake up, dress myself nicely, and happily prepare myself for the day on stage with many people. I would call my uncle Dan and ask if he would like to share his experience on my show. My mother would work with me and also hold speeches here and there.
Here, I had to interrupt what I was writing because I had to cook for Home Economics. It was predictable something would happen again. Mom and dad are currently meditating, and I asked if I should help with the wash-up so mom could get to meditating faster. Of course my help was accepted, but then I asked something where I couldn’t properly produce the right question in my head yet… I found it strange that mom hasn’t spoken about marriage counselling or a family psychologist yet. Then I was wondering if they were meditating now, because they think it will all suddenly get better like this. “Are ye not getting any help anymore?” I wasn’t happy with her answer and somehow the tears shot straight into my eyes. “No, we decided against it for now and are going to continue trying it like this because it’s working quite good right now.” That set something off in me. I… It made me angry? No, but definitely sad. It was as if I had lost something which wasn’t even there yet. But there was something, – hope. I had hoped they would get help. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “I had hoped you would get help. Because you said my problem with dad would get better then.” I think I need help. I think I had hoped they would see how much help I needed. “But it is getting better. He did change a little in relation to that subject.” Why doesn’t she see how bad I am feeling? I feel like shit and I can’t do it anymore. I want to leave. Away from this earth. I am feeling so bad. I am not doing good at all. At all. There she came to me with open arms, but I couldn’t. “No, I can’t.” I held my hands stretched out in front of me so she wouldn’t come closer. “Then go upstairs, then you don’t have to help me.” I really wanted to scream back: “Should I run away from everything or what!!! I want to say something sometimes as well. I feel shit!!!” but I couldn’t. I didn’t get anything out. For a few seconds I stiffly stood there, while mom continued talking to Alana as if nothing had happened. As if it were totally normal what had just happened. As if I am not fully…ahhhh…it is so bad. I had just locked my bedroom door before my tears couldn’t stay in any longer. I leaned my forehead against the wall and let the tears come. I didn’t exactly know why I was crying. (It is just a few minutes ago.) I think I would really like to get help, but when you go to a psychologist, you have set times and that doesn’t work for me. I need someone who is there at the exact moment I feel bad. Just like my diary is there right away. I can’t just go somewhere and talk to someone right away, when I don’t feel bad at that moment, but feel happy or whatever. This was also a reason why I cried so heavily Thursday night.
Before I sat back down here to continue writing, mom tried to open my door and when it didn’t work, I heard: “Not again.” Ha. Not again? NOT AGAIN? Seriously? I hate it. I really would’ve liked to throw my phone at the door as hard as I could. I already saw it happening in front of my eyes. But my rational side listed all the reasons not to do it. I could lose all my saved stuff if it were to break. But; my new phone is on its way because my current phone is broken anyway, and when the new one arrives and something like this happens again, I won’t hesitate to throw the old one. That’s why I want a punching bag for my birthday so I can let out not just my anger, but EVERYTHING.
But now I’ll continue with Thursday. I would really like to stop doubting if I’m only going through a hard time because I am a teenager. I would really like to stand up for what I’m going through and to know that it really is hard, without me having to doubt if I’m just exaggerating.
I want to feel at home. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want to feel loved. By a person whom I also love. A partner – I would like – who holds me, with whom I feel comfortable, loved, belonging and at home. A partner that is my all and we never break up because our love is TRUE.
I don’t want to have all the problems that I have. I don’t want to feel the way I feel. But at the same time, I want exactly That if I can help people with it later on in life and hopefully get famous.
It is just so difficult to have no-one who is fully there for me. Just like an angel or a dead relative who is here now and watches out for me. But I can’t see them. They don’t speak or communicate with me. If I just had one. Maybe my friend who passed away while driving a Quad. If he would show himself and would just listen to me, I would be satisfied. I think. If he would just be there for me. If he could just nod or shake his head when I’d ask him something, it would be so nice. If someone would just listen to me, and I could finally feel like I am being listened to by someone.
I think that’s also a thing, – I don’t feel like someone is listening to me. Because then they wouldn’t be doing the things they are doing to me, or would they? Today was proof. Mom saw how bad I was feeling and then she said I can just go upstairs. She didn’t even try to understand me and at my bedroom door she says: “Not again.” I mean, maybe I want to be alone. Maybe I don’t want her to understand me, because she can’t do it anyway and it just hurts even more when realizing it. Or maybe she really didn’t see how bad I was feeling. Maybe I am a good actress and can keep it inside of me so well in front of others, that they don’t even notice how bad I am feeling.
It feels good to say how bad I am feeling. Not having to pretend like I am doing good, like in school when people ask. Somehow I have never said it out loud because I might have not wanted it to be the truth. But it is that way. I am not doing good. Mom used to say you shouldn’t feel sorry for yourself. But if no-one else does it, who will? I don’t know if I pity myself. I am just specifying the way it is.
Yesterday evening dad sent me a Gif: “Always in my thoughts. Forever in my heart.” I found it really nice, and somewhere it touched me. That’s why I sent a Gif back, although, a voice warned me I should better not do it. But I still did it: “I am sorry if I hurt you. But I want you to know that I love you. I really do.” To which I added: “I am really sorry. I just need more time.”
Sadly I should’ve listened to that voice, because this morning I felt really uncomfortable in my own skin again. At the beginning of 2020 it started where I felt really uncomfortable towards dad and it lead to all these problems. I don’t know if I wrote about it at the start of this diary. I hope so, but anyway, I regretted sending the Gif. Not because I didn’t want him to be happy or whatever it set off in him, if it even meant anything to him, – which I think it did. But, because I somehow feel a little uncomfortable inside myself again. I hope it’ll go away again really fast.
I know it is mean, but the next time when we fight I might delete it again, so I don’t feel so uncomfortable. And I don’t want to be mean, and I don’t necessarily want to delete it, but when I continue feeling this uncomfortable, then I will wait until we fight, for me to delete it. Because then he won’t like me anyway. It sounds really terrible what and how I am currently thinking, and I did seriously mean what it said on the Gif – somewhere deep inside of me I did. But I just have to delete it if I continue feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, and therefore only wear loose clothing and feel trapped. And if, what happened at the start of 2020, happens again, it would be really terrible and unbearable.
At the start of this week I had a conversation with my uncle Dan over WhatsApp. My aunt is pretty certain about getting a divorce from him and wanting to move to Ireland with the dogs and the twins for a few months. We texted back and forth. It is horrible for him, because he will lose everything and he has no-one else. I tried to text him lots of positive things and I used words from deep inside my heart, which were 100% meant honestly. It touched him very much and he thanked me very often. He wanted to phone me some time and talk to me, but he hasn’t done so yet.
I am very unsure if I should write the conversation in here, as it is very personal and if I want to publish this diary one day, then I’d obviously have to clarify it with him first. The good thing is, I am not using his real name in this diary. I call him Dan, but actually his name only starts with ‘D’. I’m actually doing this with all the names in my diary, except with my parents and my two sisters: Amy and Alana.
I think I’ll just do it. So, it started when I saw his profile picture which read: “I am different than you think. Rarely as expected. And certainly not as others would like me to be.” Then it started…
“I guess your profile picture has a deep meaning… I love you!”
“Sadly yes Leona. You kids don’t know anything, do you? I LOVE YE MORE!!!”
“I don’t know how much we know, except that your relationship is not doing good, and you might get divorced. But I would like to stay in contact with you!”
“Correct! I don’t want any of that!! I love Lucy above everything, but my hands are tied!!! I just can’t do anything, her decision is made!! I am (WE are) losing everything… Everything I love is gone, Lucy, the lovely children, the dogs, the house, the whole extended family, etc. I am so sorry for ye.”
“Lovely Dan, you don’t have to be sorry for us at all. You are my family and always will be. I know you love Lucy and sometimes life is really difficult and hard. I can’t even say to you how much my heart is paining for you. I tied you into my heart so much and you are and will always be a part of my life. You are an amazing uncle. You will always have your children, they might be far away and I know how much that must hurt. If one looks at you from this perspective, then one could really say you are losing everything, but what you are not losing is the inner connection between you and your kids. And not just them, but also us. You are being held onto in our photobooks and most of all, in our hearts. Apart from that, you gave my cousins life and therefore you will always be part of the Wiesmann family.
I don’t know how you feel and I don’t know what your future looks like, but I will always keep you in my heart and will never give up on you. You have to be really, really strong and I know that. But you can do it! You can heal yourself and continue being a good father for your children.
I am not in your situation, and I can probably not help you and the only person that truly can, is you. You are the only one who can learn for yourself to dance in the rain and to accept the things the way they are. I live with this quote every day: “It’s all for the best” and sometimes it is really hard and you have a breakdown and you think everyone and everything is against you and you are lonely… but you have the power to make every day YOUR day. You decide whether you fight against everything or accept it. I know it’s hard, but I will always believe in you. I would love to give you a hug. I miss you very much. Yours, Leona!”
“Leona, you are a sweetheart!!! I will text you again later. THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS!!!”
“That’s no problem at all.”
Then Dan sent me a voicemail. He wanted to thank me again for my kind words. He claimed it was very nice but also very painful. He was fascinated about how mature I must be, to be capable of writing those words. He also said he would call in the next few days.
“That was really no problem… Of course we can talk, but I can concentrate better and find better words when I write… But we can still talk soon.”
“Like I said already, you are a sweetheart! You just need to listen then.”
“Ok. Just remember that I am still a child, or a teenager, so I might not be able to handle things as well as a grown up would… But I will tell or text you if I can’t handle it or it gets too much for me… Apart from that, I want you to be happy.”
“You don’t need to worry, we will just talk with one another, I’d just like to say hello! So, please don’t worry!! Mom can be there too. So, until then.”
“Ok, love you.”
And that was it. I think I don’t have to add anything to this. I felt a little uncomfortable for a short while, with the thought about him mentioning something I can’t handle. And because this got me thinking a lot, I told him about it openly and honestly, as it was important to me.
I love ye. Until the next Diary Entry.
