Diary Entry 4 February 2021
Dad wanted me to contact the teacher who is responsible of giving us students all the information we need about the senior cycle. Usually at the end of the junior cycle you have to write big exams in all subjects, but due to Covid it’s not certain yet if they will be taking place. I hope not. But before going into the senior cycle, you have to fill out a form and choose the subjects you want to do. In relation to this, I asked the teacher a few questions.
I should probably also add that my class (like always) was really mean to her. She just didn’t have the class under control. They were loud, laughed, messed around, threw things, didn’t listen to her and didn’t do what she told them to. One day, she had had enough. She cried in front of the whole class and said how little respect we showed her. I could totally understand. I always felt her stress and her pain. In that class, I always shivered and had immense sweat-attacks. I couldn’t think straight, everything was criss-cross and mixed up. I couldn’t see clearly either. I always came home really exhausted. That was because I felt all the energies from the people around me, and the energies hit me until mine was sucked out. It was too hard for me to handle. Thankfully I only had this subject with this teacher once a week, and only during the first and second year of secondary school. But sadly, I had to continue with the same class through all three years, including all subjects.
My sister got a class which is the exact opposite of mine. My class and the year above me were known as the worst one’s in the school. No surprise, because they are all in the same ‘friend-group’. I could talk about my experiences in school and with this class, for ages.
Since the teacher had a breakdown in front of the entire class, she says curse words to us, is mean back and doesn’t have any patience anymore. Even to me she isn’t so nice anymore like she used to be. One time she even put on a show (she knew it was forbidden) where cartoon characters had sex. I mean, this just isn’t acceptable, so my parents reported it to the principals. I couldn’t bear someone nice and friendly turning into someone horrible. It made me so sad.
Today I texted her and asked the questions which we would like to have an answer to, – about the senior cycle. Since this year I am not in her class anymore – because I got taken out of it. So when I asked my questions, she replied very rudely because she had apparently “already answered those questions” in her class. I burst into sweats right away and felt the unfairness. My energy was sucked out of me in that moment. I never did anything wrong to her. Just because my class is full of assholes doesn’t mean I am also one, and she can’t talk to me like that. I got tears in my eyes because my energy was gone and my whole body was suffering under stress.
When I was able to move again, I politely reminded her how I am not part of her class anymore. She expected me to know the answers already and obviously wasn’t in the mood to explain them again. But it just wasn’t acceptable how she talked to me. Maybe she thought I was a student who wasn’t bothered to listen up in class, and therefore asked the same questions that were already answered. But she should’ve known better than to think I am like that. Because I went to her for help before and talked to her about me getting bullied by my class. I am and was always friendly and polite. How can she talk to me like that then?
After writing back and forth a few times, she sent me a presentation which held all the information we needed for our questions. Dad read through it, but I couldn’t handle it anymore. As he didn’t understand me once again. He claimed, either I have to stop feeling this way or he has to text the teacher. How am I supposed to stop feeling this way??? And no, every time an adult/a parent tells this teacher something about a student, she is even meaner to that person. That’s what it seems like to me anyway and I didn’t want to risk it. Of course he couldn’t hold his mouth and accept what I was trying to explain, but instead had to continue talking. I rolled my eyes. Of course he didn’t understand me. My legs were starting to shake. It felt like I was about to fall over any moment. Thankfully he stopped yapping at some point.
I didn’t have any energy left at all. Even though dad wanted to help me in his own way, he stole the last strength that was left inside of me. When I went downstairs because dinner was ready, I walked over to Akela and stroked her. I just cried. I whispered how much I loved her. I was just… no idea, it was too much for me.
Mom hugged me and went into the office with me to talk. She tried to suggest nice things we could do, but I didn’t need that. I didn’t want her to pretend like you could turn everything towards the better when it is currently really shit. I made it clear to her and she apologised. Before I sat down at the dinner table, I went into the bathroom and let the tears come. Not many came because I didn’t have the physical strength for it. At dinner I looked down the whole time and only ate half of it. If at all.
For my next class – Science. Great. – I wasn’t ready at all yet. So I texted the teacher I wouldn’t be attending. In English we were only supposed to watch a movie which we are currently studying, which was ok. I made it through that. Afterwards I watched the science class (it was recorded). Which wasn’t such a good idea. One asshole from my class was asked to answer questions the entire time, by the ‘stupid, strict but good at teaching’ teacher. He was the student where I always pretended it were my cousin, Melody, who only dressed up and would appear from under the mask at any moment to hug me. I imagined this, so I could tolerate him and he couldn’t hurt me as much. So I wouldn’t realize this is the reality. The terrible reality. It just couldn’t be real.
This asshole always took ages to answer. He said the wrong thing about 100 times and even when the teacher explained it multiple times and the answer was in front of his nose, he just didn’t care and kept saying the wrong thing. The teacher kept mentioning how exhausted he was of him. He got more and more impatient.
And again, all my energy was taken. It wasn’t like I had a lot anyway. To prevent myself from breaking down again, I breathed in and out deeply and quickly turned on a relaxation story.
Usually I always listen to music to distract myself. Or I read. Or I watch a movie. But that would’ve required too much strength.
This was less than two hours ago.
Because my new phone arrived today and dad is trying to convert everything onto it, I could sadly not work out today, so I started writing this diary entry right away.
But now I will do my exercises and wash myself afterwards. This usually helps with releasing the negative energy.
I hope ye are there for my next diary entry. Thank you so much for reading this. I can’t express how much it means to me. Bye. Yours, Leona.
