Diary Entry 26 February 2021
Dad and I fought so badly again that he burst into tears and drove away.
Mom came home from work for a short while because she wanted to calm me down.
This time dad decided to keep his distance from me. He isn’t close to me at all and at dinner, he even eats in his office. I haven’t seen him since the incident – two days ago – even though we are living in the same house. Apart from that he doesn’t talk to me or look at me.
Yesterday evening mom and I moved into the house of my grandparents – they are currently in Germany – and slept there overnight. Today we will take Amy and Alana with us and will stay living on their property for a while.
Today we’ve still got school, that’s why mom and me drove back home again, until my appointment with Viola is over and mom comes back from work. Then we’ll drive away from here again.
It is endless, it never comes to an end, it’s like a repetitive, vicious cycle. Like a spiral. When I think it is going uphill, when I hope we understand each other better, when I think it is over, it gets proven to me otherwise.
How we screamed at each other is inhumanly. How much we threw at each other’s heads is abnormal. How little something changes or anything is useful, is desperation, shattering and wrong.
This was my mother and me. Yesterday. In granny and granddads house. She threatened to call the doctors and went away, as she sobbed: “Maybe I will really kill myself sometime. I can’t do this anymore!” She stood up and disappeared out of the door: “Nothing we do is good enough!”
I screamed as loud as I could. I screamed and screamed. I never screamed that loud before. “You are making the same mistake as before! The SAME MISTAAAAAKKKKEEE!!!” I bawled and screamed. Turned around in circles. Walked up and down the room.
Until she came back a few seconds later and we continued arguing as loud as never before, continued blaming each other, hurting one another and falling into deep despair internally, in a way that we almost gave up on each other.
After a while we didn’t yell anymore. She grasped it again – as I made it clear to her once again – that she isn’t supposed to talk. Is supposed to just be with me. Is this expecting too much? Is that asking for too much? I couldn’t understand how she couldn’t understand that. Why she didn’t do what I always suggested for her to do when she asked for advice.
But now she just had to be quiet. It wouldn’t work differently. So I sat down on the bed, bawling, without knowing who the woman behind me was. Knowing that I am a monster. And not knowing how it would continue. There was no solution. It was a hole of despair, a hole of repetitiveness, without being able to make one step forward.
After I calmed down it was like a longing to talk. It was a good longing, because it wasn’t me who talked. Someone deep inside of me said the words that came out of my mouth. It were words that were hard to listen to, hard to bear. But it were true words. Words of knowledge, of clarity. The only way that could bring us a little further.
“I think I have to go through this alone. I think no-one is supposed to help me. No matter what you do, I am not supposed to be helped.
I am strong. Many wouldn’t be able to go through this. My crying, my anger and depression are just a part of the journey to the Above. I am going through this, not just for my soul, but also for my kids, my husband and for the people who I will help change something inside of themselves one day.
We are a very special family because we are really different than all others and that needs to be shown. You are such great parents, because you were able to make mistakes like these with me, – so I get hurt so much that I have to go through this alone. But only this way, will I be heard one day. Only this way, my voice will have power.
I love my family so, so much, even if I don’t show it. Even if I hate you so much sometimes, for having put me through so much pain, I am actually really grateful. Because if you hadn’t made those mistakes in the past, then it wouldn’t be the way it is right now – and at the moment everything is shit – but it is for something good. I have a task to undertake, fulfil and finish off in this world-, even if I have no clue what it is.”
The mistakes mom and dad made are destined for something. They have a big meaning, and I need to make something of it.
“I am not allowed to have anyone. No-one from the human or spiritual world. I have to be fully alone, I have to go through this alone, no-one can help me, because there is a reason.
It isn’t just a depression. It has a much bigger meaning. Much bigger.
I need my parents as much as possible. I need parents who are strong, who are able to bear me. I need parents who cheer me on, support me and who are always there for me. I need them to help me as much as possible and not pull me down or tell me what I’m doing wrong. I know that now, and you told me often enough.
So that I can become strong, grow and fulfil my task, I need ye to just be there. It isn’t your job to help me, as it’s not supposed to be that way. It won’t work.
I don’t know how I can manage it alone. I don’t know who God thinks I am. I have no idea what I am currently saying, but I have to go through this alone. Please don’t try to help me or get me out of this. You won’t be able to. I have to be alone. I have to overcome it alone.
I don’t know if anything will change now. We will continue fighting, will blame each other and it will continue being damn hard. But I need ye. Ye will only be able and be allowed to help me to a certain extent and as much as it is possible, ye should do that, but more won’t work. I have to do it alone.
Later on I will have many people and then I won’t need them like I do now. Even though I urgently need them now, it is not allowed to be. Later on, it will be, but not now, so I have to wait until then.”
There was a pleasant stillness between us. Mom emotionally cried most of the time, while I spoke and in between it was so hard to say the words aloud, therefore I also broke down.
I felt belonging in my words. It felt right. As if someone else had spoken to me.
“I think I talked enough now”, I said softly and quietly. “If you want to say something, you can do that now.”
“I would like to hug you now.”
“Yeah.”
We met in the middle of the room. “Do you know what”, I leaned back a little. “My dream came true. I held my first speech”, exactly then is when I realized it. “And you were the first one to hear it.” I felt so comfortable, -a feeling I didn’t know, – when I talked, when I said the words which I didn’t purposefully let flow out of my mouth. That was me. I was the words. The words that fulfilled me.
“Thank you”, she cried and squeezed her eyes closed. “That was the nicest speech I ever heard in my life.”
Yours, Leona.
