Diary Entry 30 March 2021
I am sad. I am sitting at the lake, where my home is. I experienced the happiest and saddest times of my life here.
And today, as I found out I have to go back to the place that made me the most unhappy person, I wondered how people wake up and live through their day.
My heart beats, I am alive, yet it feels like the whole universe consumes me. I am pulled into the darkest of places, only wishing to see the light.
I don’t talk to my father. I don’t look him in the eyes. My mother and I fight and hurt each other. I have no friends – for years I wish I had some. I have to go back to school and face everything that only brings me negativity. I am scared. Yet I am sad it has such power over me.
Believe me, those aren’t not my only problems. But I don’t want to talk about them now, it’s too hard.
My biggest wish is family. Family that sticks together no matter what. Who love and forgive, unconditionally. Who are all together. Near each other. They support each other, help you, love you, just the way you are. They are the ones you want to run to, not from, when you need someone. You feel safe and comfortable around them. They are the ones where you can say: “I have everything, I am fulfilled!” Family doesn’t part, they don’t leave, give up or hate one another. They are the ones you need to be uplifted by, – not torn down.
The person I need right now is my brother, Bryson. I want to hug him and tell him I love him. Tell him how I wish family could be the way I described it, because then he would be here. He would be in my arms whilst I cry about how sad my life is, and how I hate that I can’t see the good – and be happy. He wouldn’t be missing from this family, and I wouldn’t have to imagine me hugging him and wonder how lonely he must be feeling.
I know exactly what being alone feels like and if life were so easy, I would be able to tell him. I need family and I have family, just not the same way as in my Wonderland-World fantasy.
Difficulties come with being human. In the fantasy land, everything is wonderful. I need to learn to accept these difficulties in order to make my world the loveliest one. I will have to deal with them and that’s bloody hard.
I just wish I could do something in my real world, so other people, as well as me, can feel freedom and happiness together.
I will make that happen, for me and my family, but I feel fucking sad and uncomfortable thinking about other people right now.
I should stop. I wish Sasha would tell me something positive and I could feel free and happy without any problems.
I need strength. Ok, I should stop, I feel weird and uncomfortable now… I hate that. Goodbye, Leona.
