Diary Entry 28 April 2021
We made a step forward. How it came about, wasn’t so pleasant, but we found out more about me, and about what should happen next.
It’s about my gifts. I can feel emotions and energies of others and I can sometimes see the future or know what will happen. I live and notice things on a different level than other people. Therefore many people don’t understand me, and I feel and perceive everything much stronger, apart from that, I see/notice more than most people do.
Of course I would like to learn how to handle and work with my gifts. I’d like to learn how I can help people with them and use them. I want to learn more about it all and use these gifts more and with more knowledge. But before it can be put to use, I have to learn how to protect myself. I have to be taught how I can keep my own energy; without it being changed, swapped or stolen when I feel the energy of another person. I have to make myself strong, so I can handle it and not get torn down. And so the visions for the future don’t scare me.
For many weeks now – or maybe even months – I haven’t spoken to dad. It was actually good for me not to be in contact with him so much, but he finds it very sad and it hurts him, because he doesn’t want the same thing to happen to us as it did with Bryson and him. So we compromised; – well, mom talked to him and then asked me and then circled it back to dad (I know it’s very hard for mom, and she feels used by us, but I truly am grateful for what she does for us and I would never purposely use her. I am sorry she feels that way) – we only tell and ask each other the most important things, for example: ‘At what time are we leaving?’
I wanted mom to know exactly how hard it is for me to make a step in dads direction and why it is easier and nicer for me not to have much contact with him, so I explained it to her openly and honestly:
1. I feel freer, not watched or controlled, – he can’t tell me what I should do or what I’m doing wrong. I can make decisions for myself. He can’t give out to me, so I can do things I want to do. He can’t give me any commands.
2. I don’t have to live up to his expectations. He can’t expect me to be polite: to say ‘good night’, ‘good morning’, ‘thank you’ or ‘please’. I don’t have to look into his eyes or be around him, don’t have to do any tasks for him and I can decide what I want to do the whole day, etc.
3. I don’t have to be afraid of him. Afraid that he might flip out, get angry or give out to me. That’s why I also don’t have to feel his strong, overpowering, negative energy.
I also said more to this topic, but it was more directed at mom, because it happened quite a lot in my life already and I never understood it. For example, my two sisters continuously laughed and were having fun, then dad wanted them to stop. I couldn’t bear it at all. First of all, laughing is probably the nicest thing in the world, secondly it was unacceptable how he talked to them, he could’ve at least explained why they should stop, for example he could’ve said he is very stressed or it is getting too much for him. Thirdly, I found it terrible to see how both my sisters were helpless…- they didn’t understand it and were too afraid of getting in more trouble, so they said nothing back to him – they were just quiet. I thought I was going to burst! So, I looked over to mom to see if she would do anything, but… nothing.
I told mom this and I also explained how when she doesn’t do anything, us children feel like she doesn’t notice how it makes us feel. As if it didn’t matter, as if dad had done nothing wrong. To the children it looks like the mother is taking the fathers side or as if she feared her husband, because she isn’t doing anything. Mom claimed she isn’t scared, and she notices how we are feeling and how it also hurts her. But why doesn’t she do anything then? I said to her she should at least go to her children afterwards to explain why she didn’t do anything/ why she did what she did.
4. I also don’t get this indescribable, bad, uncomfortable feeling as often anymore (which I have made entries about before) in my body, when I am around him less.
But what did touch me positively, in an emotional way, was when mom told me dad started crying when I spoke to him again for the first time. I asked him if I could start painting with the grey colour for the walls in our new home. I saw the spark in his face, but I looked away again quickly. My granddad also wrote a couple nice e-mails to dad yesterday, and my dad thought it was very special and it moved him in an emotional way, because they both didn’t really communicate for many years. Dad finds it very nice to see it’s possible to reunite again.
I am so sorry that it’s not definite for a daughter to talk to her dad. Due to happiness, but also sadness, a small smile appeared on my face.
Thank you for reading and until the next time, Leona.
