Diary Entry 12 June 2020
Today mom was working again. I wanted to make myself a toast with Nutella in the morning, because my usual breakfast was all gone. But dad didn’t allow me to. I should “eat something healthy” in the morning. I didn’t understand that and sighed, because dad always tells us; “It doesn’t matter what you eat, it depends on how much you eat.” So why would he say it differently now? This is what I don’t understand about parents.
Once he was gone, I threw the Nutella into the shelf because I was so annoyed.
About an hour later, I wanted to use the toilet upstairs. I saw that dad was finished with the shower and had stepped out of the bathroom, so I thought I could use the toilet now, but no, there was also something I did wrong here (once again). He said to me: “I am not finished yet, you could at least ask”, sorrrrrry.
Well, then I just used the toilet downstairs. When I was finished he asked me if I could come into his office. I went inside and sat down on a chair. He started and asked me: “Do you want it to continue on like this between us?” I answered with “no.” “I don’t know what you have against me since weeks, I didn’t do anything wrong, I am still the same as in the past, I didn’t change.” I rolled my eyes. He continued talking: “What was so wrong about me telling your granny that we only have time later on? That has got nothing to do with you.” I tried to explain it to him, because I texted granny yesterday and asked at what time they were headed to their other house to work, so that dad could drop us off beforehand. She answered this morning that they were leaving at 2pm. Then dad texted her from his phone and told her we can only come later on, and now he’s telling me that I’ve got nothing to do with it? Of course I have got something to do with it, when I was the one who asked her when they were leaving and if we could come along. He can’t just simply decide we are coming later without discussing it with us first. Does anyone understand that? Because he didn’t understand it and just said: “That’s not how grown-ups think.” Referring to my comment about how granny will be so confused now (and also it was up to me and my siblings to decide, but he just took it out of our hands and decided for us). “Fair enough, but I do”, I thought.
He said again: “Leona, I am not a bad father,” and I knew that already “I let you make your own decisions,” I rolled my eyes “don’t keep you from anything, am happy for you and am always there for you.” “And what’s with this morning, why couldn’t I eat a Nutella toast?” His answer was: “It doesn’t matter what you eat, it depends on how much you eat.” “Yeah, and why do you say that now, when I wasn’t allowed to eat a Nutella toast this morning?” “Because that is the most important meal of the day.” I don’t understand it and also expressed it in that tone: “Then why did you just say it doesn’t matter what I eat, it depends on how much I eat?” “No, that’s lunch, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” Aha.
“But that is food Leona, look at Bryson, I let him make his own choices and follow his own path, I don’t keep him from that.” I knew that. “Dad, I know why you do this”, I was referring to every time he has given out to us “because you are scared.” “No, I am not scared, I am only afraid for you.” “Yes I know and that’s why you do those things.” “Leona, only you think that. When I talk with your sisters, they don’t see it the way you do. Only you see it like that and worry more and think more.” “No” I provoked “obviously I am not the only one.” (Mom was the other one). “I don’t understand that” he said. I didn’t go further into it.
“When you have a problem with me, you always run to your mom and she thinks I’m completely different to you when she’s working. I told you before you should come to me when you have a problem with me.” “But you don’t understand me.” I sadly don’t remember what, or if, he replied to that.
“I want to protect you now, because maybe you have a bad husband in the future or money problems or worries or so.” My answer was: “So you are afraid.” “No, but I didn’t have what you had, parents that were there for me and your brothers Bryson and Carson only had that when they came to us at the weekends. During the week, at their mothers, they didn’t have that either.”
“Leona, we only want what’s best for you and we love you so much. I don’t want to do anything to hurt you and never wanted to do anything to hurt you. I love you and you love me. It is normal that people fight in between and usually during your teenage years you don’t get along with one parent, and obviously, I am that one for you. We both have the same energy, and the same energies collide with one another. It’s even scientifically proven that opposites attract, but we have the same energy, so we collide.”
He continued: “We should all try to get along. I want to enjoy my holidays and so do ye. If you would go to Amy and Alana and asked if ye could hug, they would probably do that straight away.” I just nodded and thought the conversation would continue because I was not finished for a long time. I could’ve continued talking for hours, but he got up, came over to me and asked if he could get a hug. I wasn’t ready at all, I was still in the middle of the discussion and my mind was still racing, but I didn’t want to say no. I stood up and he took me into his arms, I didn’t hug him the way I usually hug people when everything is fine, but instead, hugged him loosely. He let go and said that it would be nice to have a good holiday. I said “Yes”. He hugged me again, whereby I held my arms in front of my chest. It wasn’t over for me yet. I asked him if he could try to not get involved in the arguments between me and my sisters, because fighting is normal and we may not talk super friendly to each other all the time, but we still have fun together. He said that mom and him don’t like hearing our arguments, so if it gets too much and too loud, he will get involved. I didn’t want that either, but I agreed. I would’ve liked to say soooo much more, but the day with him today was ok. He wasn’t as strict to me, but I couldn’t quite put together how I felt, because it was as if I had strong but also no emotions and somehow not quite right emotions, it is very weird….
We promised each other at the end, to try and get along and to try and enjoy the time in Germany. We’re going from the 5th to the 26th and I think I am looking forward to it.
Very quickly to another topic: Tomorrow mom is going to talk to a landlady about a house that we looked at yesterday. We will then, probably, find out if we get the house or not. I think the house can be decorated nicely and we could feel comfortable in it. Usually I KNOW whether I feel comfortable in it and if it is good or not, but sometimes when I think about this house, I’m like “no, somehow it is weird”, but then I think when our things are in it, our energy, when we cleanse it, paint it and decorate it the way we want it, then it really could be nice. I don’t know if I should hope for it, but it’s so big and has a huge garden and all my family members want it. I’ll just trust God here, that he’ll give us a house which is the most suitable for us, – I’ll trust him that we either move or stay there, depending on what’s best for us. We’ll see how the phone call goes. I think I am excited.
Thanks again for reading, maybe you understood some things and maybe something helped you, or maybe you also thought like this before or went through something similar.
I just want to say that I know I love my dad, but sadly don’t feel it at the moment, and I can’t wish for a better or different father. I am grateful I have this one, because how else am I supposed to learn from it and how else am I supposed to gather these experiences that my soul-me obviously needs. And from who else would I get this support?!
Thank you! Think about what you have, don’t forget it, or try to remember again after a period of time, because that which you automatically have, is what you need, because why else would you have it? Until the next time!
