Diary Entry 6 July 2020
A lot happened today.
At 11:15 we had an appointment with the doctor so she could get an appointment for me with Cahms. She asked me a few questions about how I felt in school, what problems I had in school and if I get support there. She thinks I am too good to have to go to Cahms, and that she thinks I won’t be accepted, because I’m not like the usual cases they take on there. They take on cases where people skip school, are bad in school or are bullies. And I am the opposite, I always go to school, no matter how bad I feel, I fight my way through it, I don’t give up, get good grades, do meditation at home, read, paint, listen to CD’s that can help me and get loads of support from my parents.
The doctor supposed I probably won’t be accepted because of this, which is very unfair. Just because I can handle it better, doesn’t mean I don’t have the exact same bad feelings and don’t have it just as difficult as others. It simply is different with me, I don’t give up, I fight and because I do that – which is definitely better than hiding from something – they won’t accept me. Total crap!!! The doctor handed me and mom a leaflet where she suggested we could try something online that might help me. I almost flipped out. At home I told mom I don’t need that, as I get all the support I need and I don’t want more. Something concrete has to change, instead of me simply getting more help. It’s not that I can’t manage it, you saw I already managed 2 years, but it’s that I decided to go back to that stupid school. I don’t hide. I face my fears, but I still want something from the inside (mentally) and outside to change. Dad spoke to someone, whom he knew from the past and this guy told dad he would send him a number that could help me and make my school-life easier. Dad tried to find out more and to get some steps further the whole day. I am very grateful for that. Now we have to see how it continues.
The other thing is that I noticed how bad I want a boyfriend. It hurts so much not to have one. It’s as if you were alone in a room and have the longing for someone. I know I have mom and dad and I am eternally grateful for that, but I also need someone else. I want a boyfriend who kisses me, truly loves me, accepts me the way I am, hugs me really tightly, who comforts me when I am sad, who laughs at my bad jokes, who supports me, whom I can talk to about everything, whom I can trust, touch, and know that he is there and never leaves me. I think I am lovesick, and it feels horrible. It’s as though there were an open hole in my heart which already knows who should fill it, but it’s still so empty. It longs so much for it, that it feels like someone were pulling a thick rope that’s attached to my chest, towards this goal, this destiny, but it’s still so far away that it’s immeasurably difficult to get there. I know where the goal is, but I think the goal isn’t ready for me yet.
Then I also got another strong feeling today. Mom and I watched an action movie, where an airplane, without people, got blown up into the air. I’m sure I mentioned before that I might have a fear of flights. I know where this fear came from and since then it gets stronger year by year. Then, if I see something with airplanes, this fear arises in me again, and the fact that I saw the airplane get blown up, was really unhelpful. In that moment, the fear broke through again. Thoughts like: “I hope nothing happens. I want to see my friends and family. Will we crash? We probably shouldn’t fly.” And then I think of excuses why we shouldn’t fly: ‘Because of covid’, or ‘I don’t have such a good feeling about it anyway’… and this is true, but it doesn’t mean something bad will happen, but instead that I’m simply scared of flights. What I always do then is pray really hard at night for Archangel Michael and God to put their robes around us, protect us and make sure all vehicle we use, work properly and safely. That they make sure we arrive safely in England, then in Germany and then again back at home and that we can all live on.
Yeah, that’s what I always wish for a few days or weeks before we travel. I told the others I would like to sit beside mom on the flight, as I feel safest with mom. Mom said she believes and almost knows that nothing will happen to us, because she thinks that we all have a bigger task in this life than to die now, and I also believe that. We have a bigger duty here, I mean, – my classmates need me and I need them – hard to believe – but by what they do to me, I learn and can help others later on in life, and due to me being there, they can see how things can be done differently. Apart from that, if I wouldn’t be there, the teachers wouldn’t manage it. The teachers need me, or else they would consider the behaviour of these students ‘normal’, and it’s far from it. I am definitely still needed, that is not a question.
I hope the fear goes away as fast and as soon as possible. Maybe I’ll also work on this, because then I’d have a chance to live freely from it. I still wish for everything to go well and for us to arrive safely in Germany and then again in Ireland, and that we can all live on.
I hope I feel better soon, with my many mixed emotions. Thank you again so much for reading and until the next diary entry!
