Diary Entry 2 February 2021
I am currently thinking about how to start this entry, because I don’t want it to be boring. Usually I don’t take this long to start, because the words basically get whispered into my ear. Yesterday evening I had a perfect first paragraph, but somehow it doesn’t want to come to me today…
After I wrote on the wall and I got really aggressive on Sunday (31st January) while watching a movie – because Amy didn’t give the film I had chosen a chance, once again, and suddenly had to rush upstairs even though she had nothing better to do – mom and dad finally realized that I need help.
Mom came into my room after I stormed upstairs. I just felt so alone. I am so alone.
Finally I felt understood. Not because I knew she understood me, because I didn’t know that, maybe she didn’t understand me, but she also didn’t give me any proof of her not understanding me. With ‘proof’ I mean that she didn’t try to find a solution or an answer. She didn’t talk back to me and try to help me, as it wasn’t possible. Instead, she said what I always wanted – even though I only realized I always wanted it, when she said it aloud. To all my statements and to everything I tried to explain, she just said: “Yeah.”
I told her how desperately I want to see an Angel or a dead relative. No matter how hard I wish for it, no matter how I feel, no matter how alone I am and no matter what I do – like, writing on the walls – they just don’t show themselves. They don’t even leave the smallest kind of hint that they are there. It kills me. It makes me eternally sad. Do they not see how I am doing? Do I not deserve it? Or do they think I am not doing so bad? Are they even there? Maybe they aren’t even there. “But maybe you don’t have that gift this lifetime.” And before I could even think clearly I reacted to the words ‘don’t have’; “but I have nothing.” Saying those words aloud is like a dagger to my heart. To realize how alone one is, even though one has a wonderful, loving and caring family, hurts so much. It is as though you were a star, feeling lonely in the sky full of stars, and it only changes when the fitting shooting star passes by. “Yeah, you’ve got it very hard”, at this point I didn’t fight the tears anymore. They were welcome. To have someone say exactly that which I always doubted or fought against, was something very unexpected and it hit me like a shock. Having these words lying in the air, was enough to reach the bottom of my heart.
I confessed and admitted how I thought for a long time now, that she doesn’t notice, and it doesn’t matter to her how I feel. As she always told me: “We are getting help” and “it is getting better and better”, even though I was feeling worse and worse. She apologised for it multiple times and I was very grateful when she didn’t say much more.
I explained to mom my strong pull and longing in Linus’s direction. I also added how hard it is not to take the phone and tell him how I think something will develop between him and me in the future. In the past I probably fell in love with his best friend and went out with him, because otherwise nothing could’ve developed between us in the future. Because otherwise we probably wouldn’t be in contact anymore. It hurts so much having to keep all of this inside of me. I can only imagine, and wish and hope for all of this. In the future I will probably have everything which I need so badly now. But he would probably not understand it yet if I were to tell him, he most probably doesn’t feel what he might feel about me in the future, yet… I am also scared, that if I think about it too much now and hold onto it too much, that it won’t even happen in the future and I might be ruining the possibility of anything developing… That would be terrible and would hurt like hell. I think. “Yeah, your patience is being tested strongly.” That’s true. My patience is being tested to the maximum.
Mom spontaneously had a ‘lightning-idea’, that it might help me with my loneliness to get a pet. Like a fish or a mouse that’s in my room with me. But the thing is, I would get too attached to it and when it dies it would be really terrible, because it would’ve been the only thing that helped my loneliness for so long. I think mom didn’t understand what I meant, or better to say; because she continued talking about a pet and my reaction, I didn’t feel understood. But I stopped talking about this topic then, because I don’t think a pet is an option for me.
The last thing we discussed was; who we would ask for help… Matthias (the psychic) was my favourite choice, but I also was a little scared about what my dead relatives and my protectors would say to me… Mom and dad also knew two other people – who would also be capable of understanding me spiritually. But even though we were just talking about this person, I already didn’t have a good feeling… Then there was also Sasha from India, but I acoustically can’t understand him so well and he repeats nothing for no-one and talks very fast…
Dad got in contact with Matthias, but he is too busy at the moment. In relation to the spiritual woman; they need to find out more about her. And with Sasha I decided against it for now.
Even though I don’t want an arranged appointment – but instead, someone who is there for me right in the moment I need them (which might be possible now) – I won’t get away with not getting any help at all…
Hopefully I will keep ye updated. I hope ye and your families are doing well. I hope ye are healthy and happy. I wish the same for my family – including pets (like our Akela) and everything that ye love and we love! Positivity!
Until the next time, yours, Leona!
