Diary Entry 11 January 2021

Today was the first day of online-schooling. Due to covid, everything is closed down again, including schools. The structure is a little different this time, compared to the last lockdown. Now they are doing many video calls with the whole class. Thankfully you can turn off the microphone and the camera! Anyway, it was very stressful and new today. Even though I can call myself lucky to be doing home-schooling now and not having to go through hell, I still realized I will never be able to say that I like or enjoy school, no matter where or how it takes place… I don’t want to complain or anything, because I am very happy about being able to stay at home, to wear my clothes and feel only my energy, not hearing any stupid conversations from other students and not crossing paths with all the people that constantly hurt me, even if they don’t purposely do it…

Even though I have so many people around me and I live in a world full of connectedness, I fell a deep loneliness. From day to day and again and again, it pulls me down and cuts me open. Again and again I wake up to the reality that I don’t have anyone whom I can talk to about everything. Whom I can tell everything. Or who understand me and I can open my heart up to. There are various people I can talk to about various things, and I am indescribably thankful for that. But sadly there is no-one who holds his arms open for me, and who locks me into his heart with his posture and I feel belonging and at the right place. No-one where I melt at his every breath, because he is my All. Who understands me without me having to say any words. Someone whom I look into the eyes and know, I am at home. I have arrived. He is my destiny.

The difficult part is that I feel everything I just listed above, but the thing is, my boyfriend isn’t my boyfriend yet. He lies in the future, but a see-through rope attached to my heart, pulls me there already. It is a longing for someone whom you know already but who is so far away. This person is what’s missing to make my feelings come true. To not having to carry them around constantly, without letting them shine. My inner pulls me to where I can’t be yet. I already feel now, what will only come true in the future and that keeps pulling me back to reality. Back to where I have no-one who hugs me and where I can’t let everything go with his touch and where just WE exist.

I was good at hiding from reality the last few days, by disappearing into the warm pages of my book, into a different world, from morning ‘til night. In a world that just simply wasn’t mine. I could distract myself for a while, until it was over and reality caught up to me again, – like a zip that was being ripped open.

To feel lonely even though you’re surrounded by many people, isn’t just a weird feeling, but also one which totally pains and keeps reminding you you’re on your own. You have to cuddle yourself warm under the cold blanket and have to wipe your tears off your cheek with your own hand, which would love to be intertwined with another’s.

Since I got and hung up a ‘One Direction’ poster for Christmas, I pretend like one of the members can see me. As if he could follow my every move through his eyes. I don’t know if you would call that crazy, but when I feel his presence, I don’t feel so alone. It is as if I truly weren’t so alone then, as someone sees and watches me, and it’s as though I can feel someone’s presence. Even though it isn’t physically, but at least someone is ALWAYS there.

I will say goodbye now, as it’s already half ten and I had online-school from 9am until 4pm today, and tomorrow the exact same continues… I love ye! Hopefully the emptiness inside me will be filled once I don’t have to ever feel it again. I wish ye a full heart. Until then, Leona.

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