Diary Entry 22 December 2020
Yesterday evening Linus and I texted again after several months.
It came to the point where I asked the question: “Are you still occupying yourself with the subject of ‘God’?
Thereto came the answer: “No, I read a book from Hawking and since then I don’t believe in a God anymore.”
“Sad, but ok. Then maybe read the book ‘Sophie’s World’…” were my last words until my heart started aching.
Should I have said that? Maybe not, but it seemed like the right thing in that moment.
My last hope was gone. The person I thought I could talk to about anything and he understands me, is a person that doesn’t exist in reality, but only in my fantasy. I hoped so much he would be a little like me. I hoped so much that he also knows a God exists. I thought he were my future partner. I thought I wouldn’t be alone in the future anymore and would have someone I can feel comfortable with. It is done. It is over. I am alone. I am at the end. Nothing. And nothing again. Done. Over. Hatred. Pain. Sadness. A nobody. I am.
After the text I was lying there stiff for a while. The thoughts. My thoughts. No! A God does exist! Sophie’s World. The book. How can you just read a single book and change your mind so much that you now believe God doesn’t exist? He is going into a totally wrong direction. He wants to become a soldier. Now he doesn’t even believe in God anymore. How did all of this start? Sophie. NOOOOO. Not also Linus. Why does he also have to leave me now? Why do I have to be so alone? Maybe I counted on it too early; that I have someone who understands me and with whom I feel comfortable. Maybe I went into everything too quickly. I can’t go out with someone who’s going into war. I especially can’t be with someone who doesn’t believe in God. I thought I had a chance. Why did it have to come like this? Must I really be so alone?
I saw ‘Sophie’s World’ lying on the ground. I picked it up and sat down on the bed with it. I hugged it as tightly as I could and it pained. And pained. It hurt so much. I cried and cried. It hurt so much. It didn’t work any other way, the tears came. It was so terrible. Why did it have to come to this. Whyyyy? I always thought about Linus when I wasn’t well in school. I felt comfortable right away. I have now realized I only fell in love with my fantasy ‘Linus’. I felt cold. I felt naked. I felt alone. How was it going to continue now?
I wished so deeply I would see my protector now. I focused my eyes to be able to see something. I made them small. Big. Blurry. Clear. I just saw outlines of a head that was sitting on my bed. The outlines disappeared again and again because I got disturbed by horrible, sad thoughts. I tried it even harder. I gave a lot of energy into it. My heart got warmer. I felt the presence of someone. Someone was there. He stood up and walked to the window. “No! Please stay!” I thought as hard as I could. “Don’t go! Don’t leave me alone here!” I suddenly had the urge to lie down, even though I didn’t want to. After a few seconds, I automatically, but slowly, laid down onto my pillow with the book still in my hands. I continued to try and see a figure, but I had the feeling it would take more practice until I could be able to precisely see someone.
I stopped doing eye-tricks for the moment. I knew I wasn’t alone in my room. Just sad that no-one could take my sadness from me. I hugged ‘Sophie’s World’ and continued crying out of pain, a little more, until I realised: ‘I am Leona McDonagh and I really have to go through this alone.’ I would’ve preferred to creep into the book or to die now, to finally be in a more beautiful world. I felt very low with all my energy, happiness, aura and everything about me.
For a few more minutes, I laid there, – with the book in my arms and my face in the pages – until I stretched out my arm, placed the book on the ground, very close to my bed and fell asleep.
There is nothing I can do except to get Linus to read ‘Sophie’s World’ and then to hope he realizes God exists and to hope he turns to the positive.
I find it astonishing that I wrote the poem a few days ago where it read: “If something will develop in the future? Or have I mistaken? I hope not, because then in my heart it’ll pain.” And what happened… If something happens in the future, I will definitely keep you updated… Well, Matthias supposed something will develop, but maybe just in a friendship way… We will see.
I want to thank you once again for having read this far in my diary. You don’t know how happy I am about that. In this very moment I don’t know if I am famous already in the future, when you read this, or if I will get famous through this book… That would probably be very nice… Maybe I am already holding presentations on stages or am writing another book… Really interesting… But most of all I hope everything in my life is positive and that I also feel that way. I wish the same for ye. Thank you! Until the next entry. Leona!
