Diary Entry 20 January 2021
I saw a monster in me. The monster which causes all negativity inside of me. But it wasn’t me. I am not that. Or am I? No, it can’t be. I don’t want to be that monster.
I looked in the mirror. Half of my face was in the dark, the other bright in the light. With about a one meter distance I looked deeply into the face of my reflection. My eyes focused differently. It was as if they weren’t in my body, because in the mirror I looked much bigger than how I actually am. I couldn’t feel my eyes properly. They felt weightless, light and airy. When they showed me something green in the dark side of my face, they focused deeper. Now I saw how the entire half of my face was green. My reflection-eye got darker. Negativity was written clearly in the pupil. The deeper my eye looked into the eye of the reflection, the more it became mystical, darker, wilder and negative. I couldn’t concentrate on the other half of my face, it wasn’t important in that moment, as I saw something new. Something I’ve never seen before and with every second the monster got more recognizable. He stared right into my soul. I felt how it controlled all my senses – not in a good way. And there I realized this monster lived inside of me. It lives in me. It is with me. Every day. Always. It is all the negativity that is in me. It never showed itself before. No, that’s wrong, – he often shows himself through negativity. But I could never see him before. I have never known so strongly that IT is not ME. I am not negativity. I have no negativity inside of me. I am not the negativity that I feel. The monster is the negativity in me. The monster lets me feel the things that aren’t me. He made me think the negativity is all in me. But I am not that. Through his presence in me, I feel negativity.
I mean, I could say if he wouldn’t exist then I wouldn’t feel negativity, which is also true. But the thing is, he is there. He is present in me. For the very first time in 15 and a half years on this earth, he showed himself and I have to say, it wasn’t so pleasant. I was very scared that it was me. I was scared that all negativity is my fault. It is not until now where I realized a different body – a different creature – is in me. This only happened 2 hours ago. But on the other hand, I am very happy to have found out as fast as possible that I am not the monster.
One could say it was coincidence – although, my mother once told me when I was younger, that there is no such thing as coincidences. Everything is planned and everything comes the way it should come and should be – but I was just about half way through the second ‘After’ movie when the monster appeared. And why I am saying this, is because I was pulled into the movie once again. Even though I knew what was going to happen – because I read the books – my Everything was in the movie. My whole body shivered and trembled. Nothing around me was real anymore, except for the movie. Nothing existed, except everything that happened in the movie. During the happy scenes, I smiled and during the sad scenes, I cried. Until now, it only happened to me in one other movie: ‘Twilight’, and when this happens to me, I know the movie is linked to something in me. That it’s somehow connected to me. I can’t say if I love or hate the feeling. It is difficult, because I like to fully – and I mean FULLY – distract myself from my world here and there, in a way where only the movie and I exist. On the other hand, afterwards my energy is totally rattled and my whole body shivers… There is no doubt that both – ‘Twilight’ and ‘After’- are my favourite movies, as they have such a deep meaning to me. Even if it is just an unrealistic movie world, it’s possible that my world could also be unrealistic. Because, who knows what we really get to decide in our world as humans, or how much is actually in our control. Who knows what is truly real in our world. As everything is decided beforehand. We are just the actors who play exactly what they were given as a job.
‘After’ is a lot about sex. But not just sex, it is also about; even when you make loads of mistakes and make wrong decisions, there is always the one person who loves you hard enough to forgive you and help you through hell. No-one can change you and your past, they can just be a helping hand for you to hold onto.
In ‘Twilight’ it’s about love being so strong to manage anything. And it’s not referring to the problems in a relationship, but all other things. A simple human who falls in love with a special creature and even though it stands against all rules and norms, the love is so deep no-one and nothing can cut through the see-through rope which binds the two together.
Both men know it is wrong to be with this woman and there is no extravagant explanation as to why they love each other, except that they belong together and have found each other.
I have talked about being alone and having no-one in my last Diary Entry. A very deep and heavy longing pulls me to a very specific person… and that is Linus. I know him since I am eight and I met him when I lived in Germany. We were in love back then, but we never told each other. Then I fell in love with his best friend, who turned out to be my first real crush and first relationship. Linus and I stayed friends and are still in a lot of contact up to today. He is the person I can talk to about most things and it always feels right to text him. When he was still in a relationship, I knew they wouldn’t stay together. Of course I didn’t say that to him, and he was so deeply in love with her, I just wanted him to be happy. Whenever we wrote, my longing for him got bigger. A rope pulled me more and more towards him and after a short while, I thought about him every day. The thing is, I wasn’t jealous of his girlfriend. I didn’t feel anything negative towards her, but I just knew they wouldn’t stay together for much longer. I realized that I loved him. And it wasn’t just a ‘falling in love’ feeling. It was more. And this ‘more’ just waited for the moment to be noticed. I am just waiting for the day until I can fall into his arms and know that exactly this is ‘more’.
I can’t describe how difficult it is for me, to keep it a secret that we will develop something special in the future. Or that we already have a special connection. But I have to be patient now, because he has to realise it himself. Every day, I want to take my phone and text him that I love him, but it isn’t the right time, because he doesn’t love me yet. It would be wrong. But I would love to run to him and be taken into his arms, I want to be able to feel at home and safe… and… loved. I want to feel loved. I want to make it come true. I want the see-through rope to guide me to his heart, and I wish for him to feel the same as me. I want to have sex with him and be at home in his smile. I don’t even know what he looks like nowadays, I haven’t seen him for four years but it’s not important. I will have to wait a long time until all of this comes true and it’s getting harder every day. I have to be so patient. I have to feel the pain of loneliness and the feeling of ‘here is your partner, whom you already love and feel the connection to, but it’s not mutual yet and he isn’t close to realizing it, and with whom you shouldn’t talk about it, but instead keep everything inside yourself until it becomes real in the future and you can tell him then’. Apart from that I also have to deal with the doubt and fear of: ‘What if all this isn’t true and none of it will happen in the future. Then I’d be done, over and out.’
Maybe we didn’t go out in the past because we wouldn’t be in contact anymore otherwise and then nothing could develop in the future.
If someone would’ve asked me a few months ago if I’d like to have sex, I would’ve said no straight away. The topic was so disgusting to me and I felt so uncomfortable with it. There are many reasons… but maybe I’ll tell you a different time… Anyway, I would like to have sex now with someone whom I feel comfortable with, whom I love, who might also love me back and with whom I feel at home. I just know I won’t find anyone in Ireland, and I can only move to Germany when I’m eighteen and only then I will find a boyfriend with whom I can have sex… Except if Linus and I get to know each other better, and we both feel comfortable with each other, and then meet in the summer holidays and sleep together…
It hurts a lot anyway and sadly it isn’t enough to watch a movie about love or sex, to get the satisfaction one needs and wants. Many tears dropped and are dropping a lot in relation to that subject down my – wishing to be touched – cheek.
I hope I can sleep calmly and positively now, and when I wake up tomorrow that everything in my life is positive and I can perceive it that way. I love ye, even though I don’t know ye and might have never seen ye before, but I am so grateful for you. Grateful for you to be joining me (in my future) on my journey with the current ‘me’. I wish you all positivity. Yours, Leona.
