
Diary Entry 29 December 2020
Today I will write a few different entries, which I wrote onto various notes on various days. I will start with the entry that lies furthest in the past and then steer closer to the present day.
Sadly I don’t have a date for the first entry, but I think it was a few weeks ago after (once again) a conversation with dad (a few days before the 12th December):
I know I have to work on myself! What do you think I am doing the whole time! Why does no-one understand that? I don’t JUST have school as a problem!
- I have no friends
- I fight a lot with dad
- I am not where I want to be / belong
- I feel uncomfortable in my body
- I am a soloist, because I am totally different than others
- No-one understands me
I often cry alone at night. I am torn from inside out. Everything hurts. I have never had such a heavy pain in me before. I know you also have and had problems. But for you your problems are equally as many and challenging as mine for me. What doesn’t he understand about that!!! When I feel uncomfortable inside myself, when I don’t know who and what I am, when I don’t love myself, when I am unable to hug you differently, how am I meant to do it then!!?
When I feel only pain, am alone, no-one understands me and I have to deal with my problems, how am I meant to be friendly then? How am I meant to be happy then? How can I put in a bigger effort? How do you expect me to put in more effort when I am so torn and would preferably die! How could I be able to do that? IT IS IMPOSSIBLE!! How often am I meant to repeat that?? What don’t you understand about that? I am working on myself. I am disappointed in myself for being mean to others (my family). I can’t do anything, as I am glued to the ground with pain.
I want to be a better person. I want to find out more about myself and why everything is the way it is. Stop making it even harder for me. Please. I hate all of it. It’s breaking me. I can’t do it anymore. It is so horrible. I give my best but it hurts so much. I don’t want to hurt ye and I am not doing it on purpose, but I can’t do it differently. The only thing I feel is pain. No matter where I go or what is currently in my life, it hurts like hell. I am sorry to say this, but I can’t change right now and I can’t put in more effort than I am already doing. I am sorry if I hurt you and I apologise for everything. But I am going through a damn hard time at the moment and it doesn’t work differently. I will change once I can and if it doesn’t work, – I hope you can accept it. And as much as you’d like for your problems to be bigger than mine, for me, mine are just as bad as yours for you.
I hope you can accept that. It may seem like I have less problems and always talk about them, but in reality no-one understands me and I am alone, that’s why I talk to no-one about it. The anger and the pain is so strong that I really want to break something and don’t want to live anymore.
It is so unfair. Everyone who has a hard life, has special gifts or someone to talk to who understands them. I have none of that, I am just a stupid normal little human who is just shit and hopes to get a little happiness into her life. So maybe I don’t even have such a hard life, maybe it is normal what I am going through. But I hope not, because I want to be different and hope I am not going through this for nothing and then it turns out all this is normal and I am just like everyone else – a normal human. It just can’t be true. My problems are different to others, just like I am, but sadly I have no special gift.
Please just accept that no-one understands me, I am alone, can’t change and am going through hell (and you are not making it easier). How can’t one understand that I am the way I am? That it’s totally obvious, and makes sense why! You don’t have to understand me, but please don’t make it even harder for me. Maybe everything around me at the moment has to be difficult. I’ll leave it at that now. It’s enough.
Next entry was the 12th December 2020 (somehow a funny entry, but I think it is nice to hear something like this from me sometimes):
On Saturday I watched Louis Tomlinson’s live concert. (Mom and dad paid for the ticket.) The length was 1 hour and 15 minutes and I was so excited. It was soooo great. I was so wild and screamed with joy. He’s so good-looking, I just love him.
17 December 2020:
I read ‘Sophie’s World’ in school. When I cleaned up my desk and put the book into my bag to get to the next class, I saw two googly eyes glued at the desk. I wondered if it was a sign telling me the angels see me and are with me, as I have never seen them there before and… who please has those googly eyes with them.
At break time I went to the bathroom, washed my hands and took two tissues to clean them. As I looked up, onto the dispenser, two googly eyes stared straight at me. This time I thought about it more, because at the desk where I sat, usually sits a boy who does such silly things, but how did the googly eyes also end up in the girl’s bathroom? This is a clear sign I am being seen, or not?
When I ate my lunch, two girls beside me talked about dreams. Was that a coincidence again? Because the day before I read a chapter about dreams in the book and since then, kept thinking about it. Apart from that, it was also my favourite chapter. How amazing is that? Who wants to tell me something?
18 December, Friday after school:
Dad: “Do you have your secret Santa present?”
I asked in my normal tone: “What?”
Dad: “Do you have your secret Santa present?” he asked again, demanding and impatient
Me: “For Alana in school or for us at home?” I asked, this time very annoyed because he didn’t answer properly ONCE AGAIN.
Dad looked at me very angrily.
I asked the same question, still annoyed: “For Alana in school or for us at home?”
Dad: “Relax a bit!” he said strictly, and angry sparks lit up in his eyes. He only tried to keep it together because Amy’s best friend also sat at the table. How the hell was I supposed to know what he meant!!!!
18 December 2020, a few hours later than the last entry. I am talking about ship names for One Direction here, where my sisters and I have a different opinion about who may be going out with who:
Why are Amy and Alana allowed to talk about Narry or Zarry being real and right it down somewhere for me to see, but when I only slightly mention Larry then they moan at me right away and become aggressive. Just because they don’t like Louis! Larry just has to be real, it has to be, it hurts in my heart when I think about what Harry and Louis must’ve been through. There is so much proof that Larry is real. Of course there is also proof for Zarry and Narry, but when you listen to the songs and their lyrics,- from each member, then you know and see Louis and Harry are writing to and about one another. And Niall, Liam and Zayn aren’t writing about someone in the band. Their music videos also show it. It just hurts in MY heart when someone says Larry isn’t real. It just has to be and I wish them all the best, freedom, health and happiness. I will always believe in Larry and I hope they can and will come out soon.
I’m going to leave it at that for today. I do have more notes, but I will continue a different time, because now I want to read ‘After’ – a book collection I got for Christmas. Until then, Leona.