Diary Entry 14 June 2020
The phone call with the landlady went well yesterday. Everyone was so excited, even mom and dad. We didn’t find out yet if we are getting the house, we will find out in the next few days. Everyone has a good feeling, but I just trust God. She wanted to have more rent than what the tenants are paying now, but mom and dad made a deal with her. Mom says she seems to be very friendly and she seems to like us too. The landlady will come back to us in the next few days, I’ll keep you updated.
The same evening, so yesterday, we had a girls-night with granny. We watched the newest Jumanji. It was actually quite nice, except for the fact that I still have a problem with granny and mom drinking alcohol together, because I had a bad experience with them in the past. Apart from that, it was nice as always.
We came home at about ten past nine. My sisters and I do 10 minutes of a workout every day, but because we were at grannies, we hadn’t done it yet. I still decided to do the workout anyway, because I don’t like missing out on a day. Usually we workout in Alana’s room, and when I do the workout alone, I usually do it in my room, but this time I thought it would also work if I did it in Alana’s room, as the Yoga-mat was there already. I said to Alana: “I’ll do the workout here now”, but not in a rude tone. Straight away she said with an impatient voice: “No, I never have my privacy here, you won’t do the workout here!” I asked: “Heh, why not? We always do our workouts here!” That, then, developed into an argument, which is perfectly normal between siblings. I just walked out and the door accidentally banged behind me. On the way to my room, dad stopped me and commanded I go back into her room. I continued walking and replied: “no” in a cheeky voice, as if I didn’t care about anything and I wouldn’t go back in there. He shoved me in the direction of Alana’s door, but I escaped into the bathroom and said that I wouldn’t go into her room. He still commanded I go in there. Mom said from her room: “Guys, this is not necessary now.” We ignored it and I said: “Dad, you promised not to get involved anymore.” He said: “No, you said you’d try to be different.” Mom from the background said: “Leona, you should’ve known better.” “What should I have known better?” “That Alana wants her privacy.” “How should I have known that when we always exercise there?” I was filled with anger at that point. How should I have known? Can I read minds or do I have a sixth sense? I just wanted to go into my room and let out the anger through my workout. I moaned but didn’t move. I stayed standing and waited until dad moved, but he just stepped in front of my bedroom door. After a while he walked away and I went into my room, locked it and did my exercise.
While exercising I thought about what I could write into the letter, which I decided to write dad. Nothing mattered to me in that moment, – if I would hurt him with my words or not, – I just wanted to make my hatred, my sadness, my anger towards him, clear to him. And with a letter, he couldn’t stop me from writing or saying what I wanted to.
After the workout I usually take a shower, but that was too time consuming to me, so I just washed myself with a cloth, so I could start writing the letter as soon as possible. I started writing right as I had locked the door. Many thick tears rolled down my face and onto my desk. I wrote down EVERYTHING that came into my head, – what I was angry about, what he should change before he loses me, and my view on things instead of always just his.
After a while, mom knocked at my door and asked if everything was ok and if she could come in. I said, clearly and angrily: “no.” She asked softly and calmly: “Ok, will you come to me in a while to say good night?” I answered with the same loud and strict “no.”
I continued writing the letter, and more tears arose and fell.
It felt like only a few seconds later mom came back again, and asked gently and calmly: “Leona, can I say good night to you?” I heard in her voice that she really wanted to, because once before, we fought and I decided not to say good night to her and I think that really hurt her and she wasn’t able to sleep well. Anyhow, I still knew if I were to let her in, I would only hurt her more, because I had decided I was allowed to be an asshole sometimes and that’s what I wanted this evening. I answered again, with the same “no”, which really hurt me and was very hard to say. I didn’t want to hurt mom, but I consciously decided to be an asshole that night. She said: “Just one hug, please, and I don’t have to say anything”, everything still in the same tone. I knew she wanted to help me and not hurt me any more. My answer was still “no.” “Please Leona, just one hug, I want to help you, I want to be there for you, always”, she started crying and me too, I needed that, and I never wanted to hurt mom. I said: “But then you have to go again.” She answered relieved, under tears “ya!” I opened the door and we hugged each other, she held me very close and we continued crying. As we let loose again, she just said “thank you” and left, the way I asked her to. Mom, I thank you! Sadly, I couldn’t say this to her in that moment, but now I’m writing it. At least her soul knows I am very thankful for her.
I continued crying and had to get back into the energy flow that I was in when I started the letter. It took a moment, but worked. When I was finished with the letter, I stapled it together. Before I went downstairs, I looked at my phone and saw a WhatsApp message from mom. It read: “Hey sweetheart, hope you are ok, I love you, I want to be here for you, always.” My answer was: “I know mom, I think I love you too, sadly I don’t have any positive feelings anymore. I think I will hurt dad very much with this letter, but it has to be. Thank you, good night!”
Then I went downstairs and gave dad the letter, he wanted to give me a good night’s hug but I said: “I can’t right now” and he respected it. I went upstairs, into bed, cried, listened to music and hoped that tomorrow everything will be better.
Now is tomorrow and dad and I had a conversation this morning. It actually went quite well, I won’t repeat everything now, just a few things. He talked about the letter and the things I wrote inside of it.
I told him again, he shouldn’t get involved in small arguments between me and my sisters. He insisted it wasn’t small yesterday and him and mom will of course get involved. I said that the argument was small and it only gets worse when he gets involved and we can clarify it ourselves. First he went on and on until I told him he would lose me if he’d continue that, because then things only get worse, even though arguments are totally normal.
He said he purposely decided to stay away from other people because he is able to do everything without having friends. (Referring to my remark about me having no friends.)
He said I was wrong, that problems aren’t everything, because the mind makes up a lot.
He also said that I am not like the people in my class, but that my energy sometimes is the same.
He said that once you know problems aren’t really real and everything, then you can be friends with everyone.
Dad understood that teenagers sometimes just aren’t nice and he assured me he would try to remember this when I behave the same way again. He was convinced he lets us make our own choices and he will always be there for us.
He assured me that I will love myself again and get positive feelings again. He also said that teenagers usually have problems with their parents, but then, sometime during their early adulthood, they’re normal again and come back to their parents. He said I shouldn’t feel any guilt about the things I have done, and that they will still love me.
We talked for quite a while, I think the conversations was satisfying for me as well this time. In the end, we hugged each other and he tried to comfort me in saying I have a nice figure and should show it sometimes, if I want. It was also a topic I mentioned in my letter.
I will keep ye updated. I know we aren’t bad people, we just all have our own problems, which we are allowed to have and can work on.
Tomorrow we are going to our grandparents’ house again, to help them work on it. Akela will play with Duffy then – my grandparents dog.
Thank you for reading! And be grateful for everything that you have, because you don’t need more than what you were given at birth. Until then, Leona.
