Diary Entry 8 July 2020
Mom is working again today and dad tried to clarify some things for me the entire day. I thought he was calling the people in Cahms that could make my school life easier, but he called a different person – like a psychologist – to help me, which I didn’t know.
At lunch he told me I’ll go there on the 4th of August, after the holidays. I agreed, because I thought it was Cahms.
Then after a few hours, he came to me again and said an appointment was free for me tomorrow and he had booked it. It started when I said: “No, I only want to go there after Germany!” But then he pushed: “You will go there tomorrow, I won’t cancel it again!” Then I started crying, which he didn’t understand, and kept asking what my problem was the whole time. Whereto I always answered with; “I’m not ready yet and only want to go there after Germany.” “But we have to go there as quickly as possible”, he back-answered. I didn’t understand this, when the appointment after Germany was fine for him before, why did I suddenly have to go there as quickly as possible? I just said while crying: “I expressed clearly to you and mom that I didn’t want to go there before Germany.”
We continued arguing, he said many hurtful things to me, and I said things to him which sounded like I was blaming mom and him. It got to the point where I totally freaked out and started bawling. It’s seems so mean and unfair to me, that mom and him booked it without asking me and even though I clearly said I don’t want to go there yet. He then said he will cancel the appointment for tomorrow, but I screamed at him: “No, I need a few minutes alone now to think about it, get out!” I didn’t get what he didn’t understand about this. “No, I won’t go until you tell me why you don’t want to go there tomorrow.” I just wanted him to get out, I just wasn’t ready to go there tomorrow, how often was I meant to say that? He even forbid me to call mom, because she was still at work, and he didn’t want her to get a bad feeling. But mom told me I am always allowed to call her. Did he want me to continue bawling and feel even worse? Did he think that if I told mom this story after work, that it would have any different outcome?
I bawled even more, fought even more and was so angry that my head pounded, my lungs felt dry and I got a stomach pain. I repeatedly said: “Get out, I want to be alone”, after saying that about 10 times, he took my phone, my IPod and left. I stood up and screamed: “You really have no trust in me” and wanted to lock the door, but he held it open. “Never say that I have no trust in you again, I do have trust in you”, he put back my phone and my IPod but took my keys instead and left the joyful message: “You have 3 minutes.” I could have…! I hated him and was so angry, I breathed so heavily and bawled. I tore out a block of paper from under my desk and wrote down all my anger. How I hated him, what kind of a monster he was, that he wasn’t my father and that I would stay in Germany with someone who really loved me. “How can someone have such a cold heart. I hate you. You don’t trust me, take my phone so I can’t call mom, take my keys so I can’t lock the door. I hate you, I hate you. You beast. You monster. How can you be my father. No wonder that everyone hates you, now you’ve also lost me, hurt me and transformed the love that I had for you, into hate. You should be ashamed of what you are. You are not my father, you don’t trust me, you don’t love me, but only hurt me. You asshole. I will stay in Germany with someone who really loves me. You don’t give me a chance…”
Then he came back. I was supposed to think about if I wanted to go there tomorrow, but I didn’t. He demanded I sit on the bed. I did after the fifth time he told me. Apparently he called mom and she didn’t know either that I was against attending this appointment tomorrow. “Now I know how well you listen to me” was my statement. We talked and talked. Until we came to the solution that it was all a misunderstanding. He thought I had talked to mom about it and mom thought I was ok with this. It still made me so angry: “I told mom, after the doctor’s appointment that I don’t want to go anywhere for mental help, only to Cahms!!” We talked and talked. It got to the point where I concluded how everyone can change their mind in 2 seconds, because he judged me for being unsure of whether to go tomorrow or not. His answer to my explanation was: “Yeah, we can see that (that I’m quick in changing my mind), you have to work on it as well.” I started crying again: “Why ‘work on it’ again?” “Leona you always take it so personally and your thoughts go crazy.” “Dad, it is normal that people can change their minds after one minute, one year or two seconds.” I thought he was so stupid for not understanding that.
We still continued talking. “You and mom should never do something without asking me, again”, he agreed and claimed they wouldn’t do it again. But he mentioned again how he thought mom and me had spoken about it and were both on the same page.
I was still angry as to why he took the key from me and didn’t allow me to call mom. So I told him and he slammed out the truth: “Because I was scared! I was scared that you would do something bad.” I knew what he meant, because that’s what his father did.
At the end of the long conversation, we agreed I won’t take the appointment tomorrow, and when Cahms comes back I won’t go there before the holidays either. But I’ll go there after Germany, because they might be able to make schooling easier for me, even though they’re actually only there to help people – mentally.
He apologised for what happened today and hugged me, which I didn’t really want, because it isn’t over for me that fast/easy, and he noticed.
Well… it was actually just a misunderstanding, but we still hurt each other. The last few days or weeks were actually ok because we got along better and he simply accepted that I currently can’t be any different other than stupid.
Arguments are normal, but what you shouldn’t do is run away from them. You also don’t have to be best buddies again straight away, but after a while you should forgive the people you love. As the people you love and who love you, are the ones you need most!
I thank you for reading and I hope you are fine! Until the next time!
