Same day 10 June 2020
My youngest sister Alana and I were in the kitchen this morning with our dog, Akela. We slid closer and closer to her on the ground. She was standing in front of her food compartment and wanted a treat. I said to Alana: “don’t corner her like that”, whereto she answered sassily: “I’m not”. That escalated then of course, and we argued back and forth. I gave Akela her treat and was about to leave, when dad came in.
Straight away, he asked why he could hear us all the way to his office. I just said we did something with Akela, because I knew how fast he gets angry at the moment and I didn’t want Alana to get in trouble. He didn’t believe me and said: “No, why did you always say “Alana stop back answering”?” “Yeah, because she always back answered”, was my answer. He sent us into our rooms, but before I was fully upstairs I heard how he exclaimed: “two assholes.”
After a while he came upstairs and wanted us three sisters to go into Alana’s room. He told each of us what we are doing wrong and what we should change about ourselves. He told me that I don’t treat people properly and I shouldn’t always tell Amy and Alana they are wearing too much make-up, that I shouldn’t do this and that, etc. Of course, it was typical. He is so sad inside himself and has so many bad sides, that he has to make me and other people feel and look bad, so he isn’t the worst of us. He always demands I look into his eyes. I am a person, that when I am in a deep and serious conversation, I have to look down, to understand more, to hear more and to feel more comfortable. And he knows that, but when he is angry, he is so uncontrollably angry. And every time I look down, he screams at me and tells me I shouldn’t do that anymore or else he’ll throw me through the wall. But I looked down every time anyway, because I couldn’t do it differently. Tough luck.
As the doorbell rang and he opened it, I heard how he laughed. I don’t understand how someone can laugh after a conversation like this, which wasn’t even finished. When he came upstairs again, the conversation was apparently not that important to him anymore. He just added; “it can’t continue on like this.” He asked if we had anything left to say, and yeeeeesssss, I had lots to say, but I didn’t. We said “no” and he asked us to get ready for granny and grandads, because we were going to help them work at their house.
“Thank God, away from here”, I thought. “I have to go.”
Yesterday I decided I would join in on helping granny and grandad, even though it wasn’t initially planned. But I knew mom was working and if I stayed home alone with dad, I would only get given out to anyway…. So I went along, but even that didn’t change anything. I still got in trouble, just like almost every time mom is working.
I explained the story to mom afterwards and I told her I am questioning for a while now, why she is still together with dad. She informed me on how nearly everyone asks themselves that. She was convinced dad also has a good side and she sees a pot of gold in him. I answered with: “I know, as you can see, he can also be nice, but then I don’t understand how someone can be so mean”. Mom just looked at me: “Yes, you do know.” Yes, I knew, because he was hurt inside himself and experienced things like this as well when he was younger. “But why does he always say other people are doing something wrong, when he does the same, – treat others the way he himself was treated?” “Because he can’t do it differently, he wants to be different, but he is also so hurt. First of all, you should forget what he compared you to”, she suggested, because he once said I fit perfectly into my class – the bully class – and that I’ll probably end up like my brother, – who isn’t in contact with this family anymore, – that I will lose my father and that I don’t know how to treat people well. “He’s only doing this because he is afraid you’re going to become that person. Bottom line, you have to forgive him. When you forgive him and think about this only being his hurt, inner child coming up again, and that he can’t do it differently, then it will be easier.” “Easier for whom? For him or for me?” I pushed. “Easier for you, to know it is his pain and his energy, not yours. And for him, because he is afraid that you will turn out like him. Of course you should still not put up with everything he does, you are allowed to back answer and so on. When you protect yourself and stay strong, then you’ll feel capable. I will give you a mantra you can repeat, and it will protect you.” “But he doesn’t deserve for me to forgive him.” “Maybe not, but you, believe me, when you forgive him, you’ll feel better, because then you’ll understand why he has to do certain things, and then you’ll know that it’s just his younger self.”
Mom also advised me to not give his energy power. To not be hateful or angry towards him, or to not let his words get to me, but instead to continue to love him, because: “you know what kind of a person he can also be.” “It’s too late for that” I noticed. “It is never too late, we can get the positive feelings back up.” “Okay” yes, I wanted that.
Mom assured me we will work on it. That she will give me a mantra and I can also work on my “reflection”, if I want to. It’s a worksheet which can help me establish who I truly am. She wants me to do it before we go to Germany, so I know who I am, and I don’t hide but show myself. I am ready, I want to work on that.
Well, we still have about 4 weeks and I will work on myself again, we’ll see how that turns out.
I also admitted I have never felt more separate from my family than now. Whereto she answered I should always come to her, because then at least I am not fully alone and I at least have someone to talk to. This, I will continue doing.
We hugged each other and went downstairs. Thank you mom for being there! Thank you for being my mother! I am so grateful I know you! I am so grateful I have you!
I thank you for reading! If a challenge confronts you, don’t run away, but learn from it, then it is easier and you can be happier! Talk to someone if you have someone, even if this person just listens.
Until the next time, yours Leona.
