Diary Entry 5 May 2021
There were two positive messages and three negative experiences. The negative ones took over and the day was grey.
It started in the morning. Dad and I went to the house to continue working. I started ironing, but as I stepped into the room, I smelled a familiar scent. From my first – and until now, only – boyfriend. I felt watched right away. My thoughts played with me. It happened before where I smelt the odour of my childhood best friend (who passed away) in the car, and then I knew he was with me. I didn’t find it bad at all, I thought it was nice and it was positive. But the feeling of being watched, which I felt that morning, wasn’t pleasant at all. I thought he could see everything I’m doing and he is there with me, that’s why I didn’t behave like myself. I basically played a role, and it was exhausting. I knew he wasn’t actually there with me so I tried to distract myself so I could be normal again. I went for a walk, but I didn’t behave normal – I still felt watched. It was tiring and I didn’t want that. I hated my thoughts, they just didn’t stop. They just didn’t stop playing with me.
It ruined my whole morning. At some point I had no more time to think about something like this, so my thought quietened more and more.
Not that that was enough for the day, or maybe even forever, another thing came on top. Linus wrote back to me. We had texted back and forth for the past few days, and I actually liked it. But with this message, I could feel his energy, and it wasn’t so great for me. Often he has an energy which is totally interested, helpful and nice. But sometimes he also has an energy where he doesn’t understand me and it feels dismissive and uninterested – in a way as though he thinks: ‘but that’s the way it is with everyone, it is normal, I don’t understand why she doesn’t see it that way’… and that’s the kind of energy he has at the moment… one that made me very sad, because I wish someone understood me, and if they didn’t; that they would just accept it/me…
Wait a minute… I see another ray of strong, positive energy from Leona… What could happen now for her to feel really bad and start crying because it breaks her, and she only waits for the next day to begin and for it to get better? Oh, I know exactly what!
Amy and Alana were laughing and messing around the entire time, while I was working at the house and they were supposed to help. I was very patient, because I liked how they were having fun. I did have to say a few times that there was work that needed to be done, but in the end they were good helpers.
After a while, dad called them upstairs. I stood at the bottom of the stairs and overheard a lot of what they were saying. He insulted Amy, which he had done often enough already: “You should start working for the first time in your life!” Very, very strong energy hit me. I got so angry and hurt by the words, because I knew exactly what Amy was currently going through. He always has to insult people! I was present so many times in the past where he did that to my brothers, and I myself have experienced it strongly many times before – because I feel everything even heavier than other people. “At least we are having fun”, I heard Amy say. She was right, but of course my father needed to say something back: “I knew that was going to come. It isn’t about ye not being allowed to laugh, but you are also supposed to work at the same time!” I had to lean against the wall to be able to handle it for longer. Why wasn’t he able to leave it alone? I had everything under control, and he wasn’t even the one who worked with them! Amy and Alana did help, and it was even nice for me to hear them laugh. “It isn’t just that you don’t work, but you always break something too! The cupboard in the bathroom was one of Oma’s favourites and now a leg broke off of it.” That wasn’t true, the leg was broken already, it wasn’t us!! Alana hadn’t spoken a single word and Amy was also quiet now. I couldn’t do anything and it made me furious. I felt so sorry for them. They were simply being hurt and were handled like little children who don’t understand anything, and were too afraid to continue justifying their side.
It pulls me down so much and breaks my heart to see the way they came downstairs afterwards and weren’t smiling anymore, but instead just did their work. Now they felt forced to do the work and there was nothing nice about that. Before, they at least did the work freely, without fear or sadness. I tried to be as nice, soft and understanding as I could, but it wasn’t enough, I knew that.
The sun came up and I was ready to start the new day. It really helped me to speak aloud what I had to say, the night before, when mom asked what was going on.
Rina and Awin are the only ones from my class whose contacts I have on my phone. When we text at all, it is always about school. So I asked how their exams went. From Rina I received a voicemail. It makes me so sad I don’t even want to think about it anymore, but I’ll do it for my diary, – for you.
She and her boyfriend broke up. I knew it would happen from the first second I found out they were together, because that which you are about to read, describes very well what he is like… She told me in the voicemail that both of them ‘did it dirty’ before school started – …thankfully I don’t know exactly what they did…- but now he has pictures of her naked on his phone, which he showed to some others in his class.
The worst part of this situation, I find, is how dumb Rina was and is. She went out with someone where you can only expect something like this to happen. You could notice beforehand what an asshole he was. He never truly loved her; the same way she never truly loved him. I find it so, so sad and it hurts so much inside of me when someone uses someone or something else, because they think they need it to be happy. When they think they can swallow their problems with alcohol, fade out their problems with drugs, or dissipate them with sex. It hurts me so much how some humans can be so dumb – to think their problems are gone or solved then. How they aren’t true to their feelings. And it makes me so sad how they aren’t strong enough to handle it. In that moment, I couldn’t do anything anymore, so I sat on my chair stiffly with a bent back. I held my phone in my hands and against my head, to support it. My eyes were fixated on what was in front of me, and it was all too much for me, until mom explained that most humans aren’t like me. They don’t think and feel the way I do. I am different and I can’t change other people, they will continue believing they need distractions to solve their problems. And I can expect those things crossing my path many more times, and that’s why I have to learn how to protect myself, so it doesn’t hit me the way it did and ruin my day.
It were three bad days in a row, I have only written about two right now… but here is the third.
During the past few years, I changed so much each year. Two years ago I thought: “Now I can’t change much more.”
Last year I thought: “Now I really can’t change much more.”
And now I think: “I am excited to develop and become a better person and I am excited about changing for the positive.”
My cousin Cole and I always had a more intimate relationship. When we are together, we talk a lot about intimate and sexual things. Until last year I always found it very cool and it was fun, but now I’ve realized I never really felt comfortable with that. Cole and I had a lot of experiences together, which are just memories now. But on the third day, I woke up and got bombarded with many, many memories, which I didn’t want to think about. Over the day more and more added to that and therefore my positive energy disappeared more and more. I was very ashamed of it all and I didn’t feel comfortable with it.
I got scared, because I didn’t want to meet Cole again, I didn’t know what I should say because I didn’t want to have those conversations anymore. I have changed so much in the past year, that I don’t want this anymore. ((In the evening:) Mom claimed Cole is very understanding and she would be surprised if he wouldn’t accept or understand that. Then I remembered how he once said we are probably going to reach an age at some point where we won’t talk about those things anymore.)
The memories didn’t leave me alone. I knew you can’t change the past, so I quickly stopped wishing for it to be different. Instead, I wished I could accept what had happened, because then it wouldn’t haunt me like this anymore and I could continue living normally. But to accept something like this isn’t easy, you can’t just say or control when you accept it, you have to work on it, and it can take a long time. Even though the feelings were very strong and I felt bad the whole day, I didn’t pretend like they weren’t there. I knew they were there, and they were very difficult to handle, but I couldn’t pretend like they weren’t there, because it wouldn’t have been the truth.
In the evening mom and I had a ‘little’ conversation about this, and it felt good. She listened to me, and I could finally speak out my thoughts which were in my head the whole time. All of that was three days ago already, and until now I feel very good.
Before I say goodbye, I want to write down the good things that happened. There were two relieving messages: I don’t have to do the maths exam, because he had enough exams from the previous years to grade me on. Apart from that, I don’t have any set appointments with Viola anymore, but instead, whenever I need her, I can text her and I’ll have a spontaneous appointment. I was very happy about that.
On Monday (today is Wednesday) we put the boxing bag into my room. It helps me so much to let out my anger this way, and it is very fun to train on it. I never did any sports because I wasn’t interested in them, (except for a few months when I was younger I did Irish dancing) until last year, when we had the first lockdown, I started doing ten minute workouts every day and am still doing them. Now I box for ten extra minutes, and I will do Yoga in between as well, because that calms me down and I feel like it’s good for me.
I will finish up for today… I have once again written this for a few hours. Sometimes I’m not in the mood for it and I don’t want to, but I know it’s helpful for me to hold onto these things in my diary, and when I have finished writing, it feels good, as if I had accomplished something important. Until then, yours, Leona.
