Diary Entry 20 June 2020
I always wished I could do home-schooling. I wished for it, since I went to secondary school. I wished for it because I didn’t like the people there. I wished for it, because I got bullied.
This wish came true due to the coronavirus/ Covid-19. Although it isn’t the usual type of home-schooling, it is one kind of home-schooling. We always get our homework from the teachers sent over an App called ‘Teams’. It is very handy.
I didn’t really show I was enjoying it, but I also think it was just so unfamiliar. I was never able to say I am excited about school or want to go there. I could never say that I like school because “I get to see my friends there”.
Every morning when mom woke me up for school, it started. I started to become scared, I started to become nervous, it started to change me. And ‘it’ were my thoughts and sorrows.
I prayed throughout the entire morning, until I arrived at school. I was like in two worlds at once, the human world and the world of my thoughts. I always had the feeling I must pray so that God and Archangel Michael were with me and protected me. Therefore I didn’t stop praying until I was at the school. I couldn’t think clearly and was so deep in my thoughts that I could almost see them. I usually already knew in the mornings if the day was going to be good or bad, and I was mostly right.
Before I went into the classes that I was afraid to go into, I prayed 10, 20, 30 times in a row, until I sat in the class and the teacher came in. I was so nervous, that I continuously shook my leg. I couldn’t sit still, started to sweat, took off my jacket and put it back on. With one teacher – my science teacher – I was even afraid of him to simply ask me questions, because he expects us to know all the answers, and I saw how he gave out to the people that didn’t know them. Even though I knew the teacher liked me, I couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t give out to me. My parents always said: “He won’t give out to you, and when he does then we will go into the school and talk to him.” But in the moment of him giving out to me, they are not with me. So I was scared of not knowing something or to get it wrong, so I prayed as hard as I could. “Please Archangel Michael and God, please send me all the words I need to get everything right that he asks me. Please be with me and protect me, please put your robe around me and be with me.” When I look back now, I was so desperate, and I can’t imagine it was me, I don’t recognize myself. This pain, this fear, I don’t understand how I didn’t drop dead.
In other classes I also prayed: “Please Archangel Michael and God, please let this teacher only speak to me, be with me and treat me, nicely and friendly.” How could that be me? Is that really me?! How my worries and thoughts can change me. How they can make such a little, powerless human so desperate and broken, that she doesn’t even notice who she is, until she is out of school for a few weeks and can be herself again. It was like I was stuck in a bubble, couldn’t feel or see properly anymore and could only see my thoughts and worries.
I explained it to dad like this: “It is like a mountain. In the mornings it starts to grow and during the day it gets bigger and bigger. When I come home from school, I need to tell ye some things, so they disappear from the mountain or get better. But after school I don’t have enough time to dismantle every single thing. For that to be possible I would need a few weeks or sometimes even months. And only then I can be me again, and see properly again and only then I really notice what happened to me.”
Every day I had to be scared to be hurt by one of those idiots. Every day I had to be scared to get given out to, to get bullied or ignored. Every day I had to be scared that something will happen to me again today. Every day I had to pray to be protected and to be able to bear everything. Every day I hoped anew that I would find a best friend. Every day I hoped that this day would be better.
Until now, no day has gotten better. Only more and more things happen that make me want to leave school more and more. Already over a year ago, I wished that I could be home-schooled. Mom and Dad thought: “That’s not possible”, but mom found out recently that a customer of hers does home-schooling with her kids. Since then mom and dad are talking about all the options we have and how it might work out. I am so grateful for them for doing that.
It looks like the easiest solution is that I go to school for another year, to finish my Junior Cycle and to do my Leaving Cert at home. We are going to speak to the principals next week.
For me that would obviously be amazing. Of course I would still have to work on myself and learn how to deal with those things, and we’ll have to see that my grades don’t tank when I am home for my Leaving Cert.
Yeah, this is what it looks like at the moment.
Thanks for reading, and until the next time!
