Diary Entry 27 October 2020
Monday (the 19th of October) was a very terrible and painful day for me. At break-time two girls just bitched at each other right in front of me (one of which I walk around the school with at break-time, but isn’t my friend). Their energies hit me the whole time and I felt it strongly. I found it almost unbearable what words they used and what they said to each other. In reality, they meant the exact opposite of what they said to moan at one another, but they weren’t strong enough to admit it. My energy was taken from me right then and I felt weak and couldn’t think rationally anymore. I didn’t know what I should do, – to call home or to continue fighting through the day, – but of course I decided to continue. During the next class I personally got extra homework because I’m doing a different project in art than the others, and this teacher is always under stress and I can always feel it. At home, I was done, I couldn’t do it anymore, I felt so powerless and weak. I had lots of homework to do. Until after seven o’clock I sat there doing them and still didn’t get them finished. I cried, bawled, and internally I screamed as loud as I could, so loud that I felt it boxing inside of me against my stomach. I just wanted to take porcelain and as hard as I could, with all my power, I wanted to throw it across the room against the brick walls. I wanted to scream as loud as I could and break so much until I couldn’t anymore. But I had to keep everything inside of me. Nothing mattered to me, all I wanted now was to stay home.
I’m not sure if dad is in a bad mood again, but mom is working today and he didn’t speak so friendly with us again… But then he still gives us sweets and so on, somehow I don’t fully understand that. Anyway I didn’t like it so much today, but I can forget it faster because I am better at living in the present moment…
We’re on Halloween holidays since Friday, but I sadly have to study the entire time, because we’ve got exams in a week. I got really frustrated yesterday, because I am usually good in Maths, but I couldn’t remember how to do a lot of it. Since January it’s like that with me, because my rational thinking turns off sometimes, as the other brain half takes over… I got a ‘reality-shock’ because I still need to learn so much, I had no clue how I was meant to manage it all and the last three days I only learned for Maths. It was better today, I finished doing and learning English, Art and Maths, I started Geography and continued German. But I still have Science, Home Economics, Woodwork and lots of Geography and now it’s Tuesday evening. For tomorrow week all of it has to be finished… Anyway, I have more motivation now because I got a lot done today, – not like yesterday, where I had another breakdown. I wanted to break something again, I wanted to scream and tear things apart. I cried and cried. Mom said I shouldn’t let the energy get to me, but when she left the room, I did exactly That. I locked the door and continued to cry and cry. I turned the music up so loud, I couldn’t hear anything else, I laid down between my furniture. There’s a space which is the perfect size for me to lie there rolled up. Then I took a scissors and scratched and stabbed the leg of my bed. It felt like I was lying there for hours and after a few songs I screamed along to them. I planned to stay there the whole night, but when I gathered some more energy, I stood up and took a bath.
I hope in the future school gets easier, is different and is fun… What I thought about the whole time was: “I want to go to Linus”, my future husband…
I’ll go to sleep now, take care of yourselves! Until the next Diary Entry!
