Diary Entry 31 May 2020
I went along to the beach on Thursday. It was nice, we listened to music in the car and enjoyed the time in the sun. We were very peaceful together and it was a great day.
But today I want to tell you something different. It surprised me that it hit me the way it did and I reacted like this.
So, it started when we were eating lunch today. Mom got two messages and went to get her phone. It was from my old, and Alana’s current, primary school. It was quite normal to receive messages from them because of the ongoing online schooling.
But I felt how dad was getting weird and mom looked at dad with her eyes. Those eyes when something happened and she needs to cry. I first didn’t think anything of it, but when mom wanted to start talking, dad interrupted her and asked her for a tissue. That’s when I got nervous and uneasy.
Dad made a sign in mom’s direction and she started talking: “So, it doesn’t affect this family, but we received messages from Alana’s school today, that Helena’s mother died”. That was like a stab in the stomach. So terrible. You probably know it, the feeling you get when someone you love dies? Yes, similar to that is how I felt, even though this person wasn’t even in my family. The worst thing for me in that moment was not that she had left this world – because I know that in heaven, with God, she’ll be better, she’s home and happier – but her children. She has three kids under 12 and one of them is 10 and in Alana’s class.
I imagined how that would be for me, and it would be the worst thing ever. I remembered the fear I have, when I think about my mother not being there anymore. No-one can cope with that.
Then I thought about someone in my class who also lost his mother around that age. I lived in Germany at the time and didn’t hear much about it, but it must have been horrible. The next thought was what kind of a person he became. He is quite cheeky to the teachers, he hangs out with people who bully others and he does it sometimes himself. He doesn’t bully me, because we went to primary school together, but he is very wild and loud, also towards me. How sad he must’ve been to turn out like that. How bad it must’ve been for him, to lose his mother so early and only have his dad. Why do you have two parents? Because you need both. Why do you lose one? Because of karma. Why did it have to come like that? Because it was planned by the person himself with God. Why did the family deserve this? Because their karma is linked to the woman who died. Why do you have to die? Because you have learned for your soul what you needed to learn, because the time has come and you are finally free.
It was just so sad. The kids don’t understand it, and they need their mother. Who deserves that? It’s not necessarily linked to “deserving”, but to your karma, what you should learn and experience. These kids were meant to experience the death of their mother and learn to deal with that and to live on without her. But that is unfair? It comes the way it’s meant to come, and isn’t necessarily related to being “unfair”, but again, to karma. I hate it, why does karma have to exist? Because everyone learns and should learn for themselves, everyone should gather experiences and learn from them. If it wouldn´t exist then you would never die, and never be free, never meet God, never gather more knowledge and never live.
These thoughts were all too much, all these questions flew through my head and I just had to cry. So when it was my turn to wash the dishes, the tears rolled down my face and mom took me into her arms. Washing the dishes was good now, because it distracted me, but didn’t make me happier. When I was finished I went straight upstairs and wanted to put a quote into my WhatsApp status. I wanted to do that, because I wanted to tell Alison something and thought; “as I didn’t know her so well, I’ll put a meaningful quote into my status”. I knew people would address me about it, but I didn’t care. I google-searched a fitting quote. After a while I found a suitable one: “A mother’s love is always with her children. Losing a mother is one of the deepest sorrows a heart can know. But her goodness, her caring, and her wisdom live on- like a legacy of love that will always be with you. May that love surround you now and bring you peace.” And I added: “Rest in Peace, Alison” with praying hands.
We then went to Amy’s best friend’s house and spent the evening together. Her mother said it was cancer. Tomorrow is the funeral and because no-one is allowed into church due to covid, everyone will stand at the side of the road, and wave as the coffin drives past.
I feel so sorry for the kids! R.I.P Alison! May God always be with you and protect you and your family, Amen!
Thanks for reading, until the next time!
