Diary Entry 13 July 2020
I was actually quite excited for Germany, except that the fear of flying was so big most of my attention was taken up by it.
In the airplane I sat beside Mom, because when I am with mom it’s as if nothing negative could happen. The first flight went to England. As we waited for it, I got a stomach pain. Shortly before, I had eaten pasta with pesto and chilli sauce. But I knew the stomach pain was because of my fear. The more I thought about it, the worse my thoughts and my stomach pain got.
My thoughts got so bad that I was frozen. Mom and dad saw me when I had tears in my eyes and didn’t say anything. Dad came to me straight away, hugged me and assured me nothing will happen, and they will watch out for me. I just nodded and he gave me a kiss on my forehead along with the sentence: “I love you.” I answered with: “You too” as he went back to his seat. Mom looked at me the whole time and said convinced: “You can do it!”
I prayed really hard: “Please Archangel Michael and God, come and protect me and my family, please put your robes around us and our airplane. Please make sure that we arrive safely, healthily and whole in Birmingham and then in Germany. Please make sure we have a wonderful holiday there.” I repeatedly wished for this, until I felt it was enough. During take-off I squeezed moms’ hand really tightly and when we were in the air, it was already better. I wasn’t as scared anymore on the second flight.
I wasn’t able to imagine us spending our holidays and being in Germany, at all. That’s why I kept thinking something was going to happen.
The journey was very exhausting, mainly because of all the different feelings that took my energy away.
When we finally arrived in Germany, I didn’t have a good feeling at all. I always felt I wanted to move to Germany in the future, that Germany was my home and that I felt so comfortable here. But now it’s the opposite. I did want to see my family, but I wanted to go back to Ireland. Never in my life would I have guessed I would ever think about it like this someday.
Dad said we are going to McDonalds, just to eat something warm. I didn’t want to, I just wanted to get out and go. On the way there, I overheard how a woman talked to someone on the phone, and I couldn’t bear it. I thought it was so terrible the way she talked and was dressed. While ordering McDonalds, in my opinion, the worker talked really unfriendly with dad. I felt like she was explaining everything so bossily to him. I know that dad can’t stand such people. But afterwards he didn’t even complain to us about her, which he usually does. Then, when we went to our table, I heard how a mother said to her daughter: “I am not unfair, never say that again!” This was all too much for me and I couldn’t take it anymore.
Mom and Alana looked around and walked a little further. Dad waited for the food, while I told Amy how uncomfortable I felt here. When the food came, I was actually quite hungry, but I couldn’t eat – except for an apple pie – because I just had to get away. I thought about what my future would look like now: ‘I will stay in Ireland, study there, work there and will see my children grow up there.’ Everything I didn’t want, I suddenly wanted even more than to go to Germany.
I ate like a mouse, a small bite after a small bite. I said nothing. When they asked me something I just nodded or shook my head. Dad asked me if I am happy about being in Germany and I shrugged my shoulders. Tears pooled in my eyes, mom hugged me and jokingly asked: “Do you not want to live in Germany anymore?” as Amy had explained to them how uncomfortable I was feeling here. They supposed it was probably just the stress, the fear and everything mixed together making me feel this way. My aunt was just half an hour away from us, to collect us, mom reminded me for some motivation. Yes, that was good!
I saw they were all finished eating and drinking, that’s why I asked them if we could leave, to go outside and wait. During the drive I slept most of the time, – that was nice! As I relaxed, I let everything loose, it was a feeling of relief, of happiness and that was 100 percent trust in God. I sat with that feeling for a few seconds or minutes – beautiful.
We finally arrived at the hut. All I wanted to do was shower, to wash away this sticky energy, all the different emotions, feelings and the journey. My aunt stayed for a while, which wasn’t bad at all, but as soon as she left, I jumped into the shower.
Finished showering, I heard knocking at the door, I opened it and it was my uncle, Dan. The one who had the twins with my other aunt. I hugged him and we all sat outside at the table and talked a little. He constantly made jokes about my dad and my sister, because he always chooses someone he can annoy. But I knew how my dad thinks about those things sometimes and how he feels, because sometimes it goes too far for him; in a way that the ‘jokes’ almost hurt. He doesn’t find it so easy to be around people like this, when they hurt him, so I could barely enjoy the time with my uncle because I always had to think about how he might be hurting dad with all the jokes.
I’m gonna go to sleep now, because the trip was very exhausting, and everything else that happened was too. I hope tomorrow everything is going to be and will be better, so that I can feel every moment and can positively enjoy the holiday!
Thank you for reading! Until the next time!
