Diary Entry 17 August 2020
I am so confused. I feel like I know nothing. Today I had a breakdown. It’s all so hard and so horrible to me. I really have to decide what I want to do very soon – go back to school and torture myself through it, to transfer schools or do home-schooling.
Sasha, from India, told us there is no fear in me (in my true self – my soul), but instead that all of this is just part of being human. He didn’t give me a proper answer to whether home-schooling is better for me or if it’s important for my soul to attend school. He just supposed that the school-system is better, but he didn’t clarify if he means in terms of education or my soul.
In reference to the lion sign: I got a sign, because after we talked to Sasha, Mom told me I’m a lion, and that was my sign. But now I am confused, as Sasha supposed one thing, whereas my sign showed me another.
Today I just started bawling. Dad told me the date of when I will be going back to school and immediately, the fear arose in me. My grandad and I worked on my fear towards school not so long ago, with a method called EFT. That’s when you tap on various acupuncture spots, to tap out the energy stuck inside your body. We tried to shrink the fear inside me by doing this, and it did actually work but somehow the fear came back today. But that was predictable and no surprise, as we didn’t work on everything I’m afraid of in school.
I cried because: I am scared of going back to school, I miss my family in Germany, and granny and grandad also left for Germany so we’re here alone now. I want a boyfriend, I have no friends, I can’t decide if I should go back to school or not, I don’t feel like I am truly alive since January, – as if just being half alive and I’m scared that I’ll continue to forget what I want to say (my mind keeps on blanking and I don’t like it), – that also includes: I want to go to Germany, I am scared of having to go through school alone and being so different that I don’t even recognise myself anymore once I distance myself from school. Meaning; because I have to protect myself so much in school and I can’t concentrate on and can’t enjoy anything else, I only notice during the summer holidays – when I’ve been out of school for a while – how different I was, how focused, how hurt, how sad, how serious, how unhappy, how much fear was in me and how stiff I am when I’ve got school. Only then can I be me again, can laugh, relax, be free and see how nice my life truly is.
This is why I had to cry. I didn’t tell my mother this because I didn’t find any words for it. She just said: “It’s useless to cry, just go for a shower now because in this exact moment everything is fine, don’t burry yourself in your thoughts and don’t think about the past or future.” All of that didn’t help me, but instead made me even angrier, because I have felt like this so many times before and each time I just ignored it or pushed it away, but now I wanted to cry about how horrible everything is. Because I am allowed to show I’m not doing well with all my fears, as that’s the truth.
She asked if she could do anything for me. I shook my head. She asked if she should leave. I nodded. Then I went for a shower. I continued crying and would’ve loved to punch something until it broke. When I was finished and went upstairs, dad and I talked about various things for quite long; why I cried, how it’s meant to continue, etc. On Friday dad will ask someone from America if it’s important for my soul to go back to school or if I can do home-schooling. This man is a Psychic and his (not real) name is Matthias. We’ll see what our dead relatives have to say, if they’re allowed to, and if the zoom call doesn’t get cancelled. Apart from that I will talk to a Psychologist tomorrow at 10am – ohh so earlyyy haha – who might be able to help me. I am a bit scared because my English isn’t as good as my German and because I often forget what I want to say, and I don’t know if the conversation will help me, but let’s hope it goes positively.
A lot happened and my mind is still very confused and mixed up. I hope so much that everything will be positive, whatever is to come.
I thank you for reading and hope that whenever you feel the same way, that you remember: I also went through it.
Until the next time, Leona! 🙂
