Diary Entry 20 September 2020
I have a few different things I want write about.
First off, the topic of sex. Since I am in secondary school, this topic has gotten really uncomfortable to me. So uncomfortable, that I don’t want to have sex, I think it’s disgusting and am quite afraid of it. When I was in first year, there were a few boys that always blew a kiss over to me. They did it and meant it in such a sexual way, I felt so disgusted. I always looked at them stupidly, shook my head and looked down, because I didn’t understand how one could act like this and make sex seem so disgusting. One of them even laughingly asked if I wanted to go out with him. Of course he asked with a hidden intention and didn’t mean it, because his “bros” were standing beside him, he had no love inside himself and laughed while asking me. I answered with: “Definitely not.” I felt so disgusted and uncomfortable in my own skin.
Last year (my second year of attending the school), two people talked grossly about sex in my art class. One of them sat in front of me and the other beside me. They talked about this topic in every art class. The girl told stories like: “I heard my cousin and her boyfriend in the living room a while ago, how they were moaning. You could hear how my cousin gave him a blow-job. They were so loud that everyone could hear.” This girl is really stupid anyway. She pretends like she is the smartest and coolest person ever, but in reality she can’t get a single thing right, she keeps lying and makes up stories. Who doesn’t get disgusted when they hear such stories? Apart from that, I noticed how more they talked about her cousin and sex, that she was totally envious of her cousin, because she kept bringing up how her parents said: “Look what your cousin can do” and so on. They also talked about travelers and how they often marry and have children at an early age. She told a story about someone breaking up with a traveler, because they were meant to get married and have sex, and the woman didn’t want to. The boy beside me also talked really badly about the travelers and said: “Yeah, who would want to go out with one of them anyway!” This topic of sex, got more and more disgusting, uncomfortable and unimaginable to me.
We are a very open family, and sometimes I think we are too open, as mom keeps saying we should be careful with what we watch and what we do (in relation to sex). She means that she doesn’t want us to get affected or traumatized, but since then I feel totally restricted. I don’t even dare to watch a movie with a little more sex in it. Due to the people in school, I find most of it disgusting anyway, but I don’t even dare watch something in relation to it, except when I am far away from my parents and with my cousin, Cole. We watch those movies then, but at home with my parents, I just can’t. Masturbation isn’t at all in the cards for me. I don’t want to do it, and also find it extremely uncomfortable when I think of my family noticing anything, because we are so open. If I want to have sex, I want it properly (the way I always thought of it to be ‘normal’), with a boyfriend, but simultaneously I can’t at all imagine it.
Anyway, I also heard my parents once before. That was really traumatizing and I was deeply affected by it. Now, when I hear both of them in their room at night, I can’t sleep because I am so afraid that they’re having sex and then I forcefully try to fall asleep quickly, but instead I don’t fall asleep at all. Mom and dad always say they don’t do it properly anymore, because I don’t allow them to. NO!!! I just don’t want to hear it. It is really horrible and really affected me. The next day (after they supposedly did it) I don’t want mom or dad to come close to me, especially not with their mouths, because oral sex to me is so, so gross.
My mind makes me imagine having sex with almost every person, because this stupid thought doesn’t leave my head (that I might be in love with them or want sex with them). It disgusts me so much and don’t want to imagine it, but my thoughts keep playing games with me. It’s so gross.
The other topic I want to write about are my thoughts. If for example a thought comes into my mind, it often doesn’t leave me if it’s a bad thought. I can give you an example: I started a new ‘paint by numbers’ painting two weeks ago. On the painting there’s a woman. Then suddenly the thought appeared: “That looks like the girl who told me she was in love with me” and since she told me that, I am scared of becoming a lesbian and now this stupid thought doesn’t leave my head anymore. I try as hard as I can to ignore it or turn it around and say for example: “That is not possible, it is not her, it is my protector”, all so the thought disappears. Something like this holds me hostage and it’s very annoying and frustrating, because in reality it obviously isn’t her. But the thought has such control over me, that it could keep me from hanging up the painting. I just have to be – once again – strong and have to ignore the thought and just hang it up anyway.
Another thought-problem currently is – because I can’t think clearly at the moment anyway, due to the one brain-half taking over the other –, I can’t really remember the things we have learnt. I am quite smart and can usually remember our newly learnt material very well, and it’s much better than before the summer holidays – due to the labyrinth – but I still have moments in between where I totally get thrown off track and for example, forget formulas that we learnt in maths just yesterday or I just looked at a few seconds ago. I fear I might forget a lot during the exams and worry I won’t get good grades. I can just hope and trust in God that he’ll make whatever is best happen.
Another thing is: I wasn’t in such a good mood this week, because mom and I had a long conversation about the past week, on Sunday. All I actually wanted, was to explain when fear arose in me and what had scared me the past week, but the more we talked about it, the worse my fear got. In the past few weeks I lived more in the present moment, so when I felt afraid, I pushed it away and wanted to enjoy my evenings at home and not think about it, and it worked out good. I enjoyed the evenings and the present moment and thought very little about the future or the past. On Sunday I just wanted to explain when the fear arose, I didn’t really want such a long conversation. But we had one, because the more I talked about it, the more fear arose and I cried and cried. What mom said didn’t help me, so I thought she didn’t understand me and that made everything worse. I ended the conversation before it was finished because mom kept saying she can’t take it anymore and I didn’t want to continue because nothing helped. On Monday morning I cried again and told mom that the conversation didn’t help at all, but she said I should just forget it and continue on. In school it was fine again. Although I wasn’t in as good of a mood as the two weeks before, I still had strength built up in me which couldn’t be knocked down anymore and helped me get through the day.
I am living in the present moment much more and have way more positive thoughts. In the mornings I list all the things I am grateful for and it helps me start my day. I have already written about everything I do to make myself stronger and to work on myself. The only reason why I feel better and manage to get through school, is because of everything I do daily to stay strong.
Believe in yourself, never give up, work on yourself and find your own luck, then you’ll manage everything! Thank you so much for reading! Yours, Leona 🙂
